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“To be honest, slightly more of you responded than we were expecting,” Oliver said on Sunday night’s program, referring to the donations he received. He said he believed in the separation of church and the show, so he assumed his “Pastor John Oliver” character.
He apologized that his “wife” Wanda Jo (Rachel Dratch), couldn’t be with him to address their congregation. “She’s at our summer parsonage in Hawaii for a week for spiritual introspection and occasional parasailing,” Oliver said.
“Last week, we asked you to send us your seed offerings, and I would like to show you a little of what we’ve received. Look at this harvest that you gave unto us. Praise unto you,” said Oliver, gesturing to a huge pile of crates filled with letters and packages from donors.
“I think we made it clear that seed faith was metaphorical and we did not want your actual seeds, which is why it was so disappointing that someone sent this gigantic bag of seeds to us through the mail,” said Oliver, holding up a bag of seeds. “It was the biggest bag of seeds I had ever seen. Until the next day when this actual bag of seeds turned up,” he said, lifting up an even larger, pillowcase-sized white bag.”
He reiterated that Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption wants actual money, and asked that people not send seeds, or beef jerky, which apparently was also sent. (All of the money received will be donated to Doctors Without Borders.)
“Also let me be clear, we want U.S. currency,” added Oliver. “I should have mentioned that last week because we have received currency from all over the world, including this $100 trillion bill from Zimbabwe. I was actually genuinely excited about this and was about to send 100 trillion blessings your way until I checked the exchange rate and found out this is worth about 40 cents, so now, I wouldn’t even bless you if you f—ing sneeze.”
He then addressed the viewers who sent U.S. currency. “Great blessings unto you. We have received thousands of envelopes with thousands of dollars — some featuring heartwarming notes, such as this $5 bill attached to this letter reading, ” ‘Take my seed, you rat-faced bastard.’ Praise be.”
“We also received multiple checks, including this one for $65 billion, which you may have sent in as a joke, but guess what? We’re f—ing cashing it. So who’s laughing now?”
“The more money you send in, the more blessings will be returned to you,” said Oliver as he closed the segment. “And that is still something I’m — amazingly — legally allowed to say.”
As the credits rolled, Oliver said again, “No more seeds. Money.”
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