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A lot of Trump-related news broke on Thursday, as transcripts of the president’s phone calls with two world leaders leaked and The Wall Street Journal reported that Robert Mueller has impaneled a grand jury on his Russia investigation. The late-night hosts had plenty of material to work with at the end of the day, joking about the “local milk people” and Trump trying to get the Mexican president to be on the same page as him.
On CBS’ Late Show, Stephen Colbert wished desperately to be on Mueller’s grand jury. “I’m going to say something right now that nobody has said before: ‘God, I wish I had jury duty,'” said Colbert. He added that it would be hard to find impartial jurors at this point.
“Ma’am have you ever heard of a man by the name of Donald Trump?” he asked. “No, father never mentioned him in our cave-dwelling cult. May the shadows protect.”
Moving on to the leaked phone calls, Colbert scolded Trump for calling New Hampshire a “drug-infested den” in his call with Mexican President Peña Nieto.
“Donald, you’re the president of the United States. It’s like being a parent. You have to love all the states equally, even if one of them is Eric,” said Colbert.
Trump was teased mercilessly on the internet for telling Australian Prime Minister Turnbull that the refugees Turnbull was asking Trump to take in, per a previous deal with Obama, would not be the kind of people who would work for “the local milk people.”
“For someone who talks constantly about representing the forgotten men and women, the little people working the little jobs, [Trump] can’t even remember the job ‘dairy farmer,'” Colbert said. He brought out his Trump impression, “I tell you, I care so much about the forgotten Americans. I will protect the small town jobs of the milk people, the underground shovel and electricity folks, and the make-the-corn-not-be-on-the-plant-but-in-my-mouth guys.”
On Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, Trevor Noah referred to Thursday as a “terrible day” for Trump.
“I just hope that if police ever do arrest him, they protect his head when they put him into the car, that’s all I hope,” he said jokingly, referring to Trump’s recent comments to police officers advocating for more violence towards the people they arrest.
“You know what I just realized?” continued Noah with a smile, “If they find out that Trump did commit a crime, he’s the one American who can’t escape to Mexico.”
The Daily Show host brought up Trump’s leaked calls with Turnbull and Peña Nieto. He mocked Trump for telling the Mexican president that he thinks his people will say something “similar but in a slightly different language.” Noah made a confused face and said he’s pretty sure Spanish is a completely different language.
On NBC’s Late Night, Seth Meyers did a “closer look” at the current presidential crisis, saying that while it seems like things aren’t going well for Trump, he’s come back from scandals before. “Trump’s probably excited because he thinks a grand jury is just a fancier jury,” joked Meyers.
When discussing Trump’s leaked phone calls, Meyers defended New Hampshire and noted that is where he grew up. “Don’t call it a drug-infested den,” said Meyers. “It’s New England: it’s a ‘drug-infested inn.’”
Meyers found it amusing that Trump tried to convince Peña Nieto that they were both in a “political bind” because Trump had promised that Mexico would pay for the wall. When the Mexican president said he had no intention of paying for it, Trump told him just not to say that to the press and asked him to be on the same page with him and say they were working on it.
“He’s like a guy talking to his friend on their way home from a bachelor party,” laughed Meyers “‘We cannot say we went to a strip club. Your wife will ask, and my wife will ask, and it’s best if we just say we had some steak and we went to bed early. But this only works if we both do it.”
“Even worse, he referred to cows as spotted milk horses,” said Fallon.
The Tonight Show host continued, “He called New Hampshire ‘a drug-infested den.’ New Hampshire says it’s furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname.”
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