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“It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking — or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast,” the comedian quipped at the start of the show. “Wow, so let’s get this straight, so what he did was, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife — as you do — went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in a cupboard, and that was a Monday. What does he do New Year’s Eve?”
Sheen isn’t the only one who was the subject of Gervais’ jabs. In addition to suggesting that certain “famous Scientologists” are gay, he took several shots at The Tourist. The widely panned movie became the subject of controversy when the Hollywood Foreign Press Assn. nominated it for multiple Golden Globes last month, including best comedy or musical film as well as acting noms for stars Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie.
“It was a big year for 3D movies. Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron,” he said. “It seemed like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist. I already feel bad about that joke.
“I tell you what, I’m jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven’t even seen The Tourist. Who has?
“But it must be good because it’s nominated, so shut up, OK? And I’d like to crush this ridiculous rumor that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so that the foreign press of could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That was not the only reason; they also accepted bribes.”
Also on Gervais’ hit list:
— Bruce Willis, whom Gervais introduced as “Ashton Kutcher’s dad.” (Kutcher is married to Willis’ ex-wife, Demi Moore, and stepfather to their three children.)
— The Sex and the City 2 cast: “There were a lot of big films that didn’t get nominated this year, nothing for Sex and the City 2. No, I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza.”
— Jorge Garcia, who played Hurley on Lost: “One of the biggest TV events of the year was the finale of Lost. It was quite a complicated finale, and I’m not sure I understood it all. From what I can make out, the fat one ate them all.”
— Cher: After quipping that the HFPA were bribed to nominate Tourist, Gervais joked: “No, all that happened was some of them were taken to see Cher in concert. Now how was that a bribe, really? It’s not, because it’s not 1975.”
— Talking about how Eva Longoria’s introduction of the head of the HFPA compared with his tasks of the night: “I helped him off the toilet and popped his teeth in.”
— Hugh Hefner: “There’s been some great new TV dramas this year, like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead. Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who is getting married at age 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When asked why she was marrying him, she said, ‘He lied about his age. I thought he was 94.’ Calm down; just don’t look at it when you touch it,” Gervais added, complete with helpful suggestive gestures.
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