Former Saturday Night Live castmembers Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph served as the 2019 Oscars‘ first presenters on Sunday, and insisted they weren’t hosting the show as the ceremony doesn’t have an emcee.
But they delivered a series of monologue-esque jokes that they would have delivered “if we had hosted,” taking on films like Bohemian Rhapsody and Roma before referencing the Fyre Festival’s infamous cheese sandwiches.
The three comedians followed the ceremony’s opening performance from Queen and Adam Lambert by getting a little bit political, with Rudolph clarifying early on that the ceremony would not feature a popular movie award and that “Mexico is not paying for the wall.”
Read the full transcript of their monologue, below.
Tina Fey: Good evening, and welcome to the one-millionth Academy Awards. We are not your hosts, but we’re gonna stand here a little too long so the people that get USA Today tomorrow think that we hosted.
Maya Rudolph: So just a quick update for everybody, in case you’re confused. There is no host tonight; there won’t be a popular movie category; and Mexico is not paying for the wall.
Amy Poehler: That’s right. And we won’t be doing awards during the commercials, but we will be presenting commercials during the awards. So if all the winners could please say, ‘Hellmann’s mayonnaise — we’re on the side of food,’ instead of your speeches, that would be great.
Fey: Again, we’re not your hosts this year, but if we had hosted, it probably would have gone like this.
Rudolph: I’m Freddie Mercury.
Poehler: Well, I’m The Wife.
Fey: Buster Scruggs? I hardly know her!
Rudolph: Hey, Chadwick Boseman. Wakanda plans you got later?
Poehler: These Spanx are so tight they’ve entered my spider-verse.
Rudolph: I’m Sam Elliott for Sam Elliott mustache wax.
Fey: Roma’s on Netflix? What’s next, my microwave makes a movie?
Rudolph: And don’t worry, Bradley, after four kids, I, too, have peed myself at the Grammys.
Fey: Yes, now everyone look under your seats! You’re all getting one of those cheese sandwiches from the Fyre Festival! But we’re not gonna do any of that.
Poehler: No, we’re not doing any of that. We are here to present the award for outstanding supporting actress. Although in my experience, all actresses are outstanding supporting actresses because women naturally support each other. For example — yes — that’s very, very true. For example, I support both of you financially.
Rudolph and Fey: Yes.
Fey: And I hold your boobs while you jog.
Rudolph: And Tina, I dub all your dialogue internationally.