Homer Simpson's tips for a perfect Emmy night

Tip No. 4: Assume everything is free until you hear sirens

1. Emmys are sharp. If you steal one, don't put it in your pants.

2. Cummerbund with lots of elastic.

3. No matter how long you rub your Emmy, a genie will not come out.

4. Assume everything backstage is free until you hear sirens.

5. Just because everyone else is doing it, you are not obligated to make out with Kathy Griffin.

6. If you win, make sure you spend the majority of your speech thanking your agents and accountants. Viewers at home love that.

7. Contrary to popular belief, it is not an honor just to be nominated.

8. The Creative Arts Emmys is really just an elaborate ruse to round up deadbeat dads.

9. Don't tell people how sorry you are that their show was canceled unless you are certain their show was actually canceled.

10. Try to stay sober, this isn't the Golden Globes.

In 20 years on Fox, "The Simpsons" has won 26 Emmys. It is nominated for four more this year, and Morgan Spurlock's documentary, "The Simpsons 20th Anniversary Special -- in 3D! On Ice!" is nominated for nonfiction special.

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