Inside the Oscar Nominee Gift Bags: Condoms, Maple Syrup, A Fuzz Remover and Windex

85th Academy Awards Governor's Ball - P 2013

85th Academy Awards Governor's Ball - P 2013

Oscar nominees can have a one-night stand and clean their windows with ease using products found inside this year's Swag Bag.

Oscar nominees or Wal-Mart shoppers? We'll let you be the judge.

Compiled by PR firm Distinctive Assets for the past 11 years, the “Everyone Wins at the Oscars Nominee Gift Bag” — worth an estimated $45,000 —  features a selection of items that seems more fitting at an Indiana truck stop rather than a bag o'swag given to some of the most important thespians in the word (we should make note that the Academy has nothing to do with these babies).

Mingling next to high-end items including a trip to Australia and $5,000 face-lift gift certificate are a slew of hysterically lowbrow goods such as the self-help book Take 2: Your Guide to Happy Endings and New Beginnings, by QVC maven and radio talk show host Leeza Gibbons. We see Steven Spielberg and Russell Crowe totally diving into that one.

Then there's the Portion-Control Dinnerware by Slimware ($59), hair ties that double as bracelets ($80) and something called The Ultimate Fuzz Remover ($19.99), which we ascertain removes sweater pills, not body hair.

A bottle of Windex ($3.99) might be the bag's piece de resistance. Until you get to the six-pack of Naked Brand condoms, that is.

Luckily, there's also a bottle of high-end maple syrup by Rouge Maple Gourmet Products ($120), which is perfect for the morning-after pancakes nominees can make now that they have all those condoms on hand.

Ah, to be a star. Us laymen can only dream.