Jimmy Kimmel's 12 Most Hilarious Lines From His ABC Upfront Monologue

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Jimmy Kimmel

THR takes you inside Kimmel's annual upfront shtick, where he skewers Donald Trump, Ashton Kutcher and more.

NEW YORK -- In a weeklong frenzy of shrimp and ratings talk, Jimmy Kimmel's ABC upfront standup routine was once again the highlight.

His shtick -- one part network skewering, two parts rival bashing -- had even the network entertainment chief Paul Lee in (faux) nervous mode. "When Anne Sweeney called me about the job, I asked myself, 'Do I really wan't to be humiliated by Jimmy Kimmel in front of hundreds of people?,' Lee said to his Lincoln Center audience Tuesday. "The answer was, 'Absolutely' "

And with that, The Hollywood Reporter brings you some of Kimmel's best lines:

On ABC's track record: "Remember those shows that we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem."

On the net's relationship with ad buyers: "You come here and we shower you with promises and never really follow through on any of them. if this was a show, we'd call it The Bachelor. We tell you we love you; we give you a rose; we canoodle with you in a hot tub and then two and a half months down the line, you realize we're gay."

On Paul Lee: "Speaking of gay, let's hear it for the new head of our network, Paul Lee everyone. Did I say gay? I meant British. Paul comes to the ABC Family from ABC Family. And who better to lead the American Broadcasting Company than an English guy with a Korean last name?"

On NBC's upfront: "It's cute that they're trying, right? ... NBC thanked God for The Voice... God has nothing to do with what's going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after Friends. And God isn't in the demo anyway."

On Donald Trump's announcement: "Wasn't it good to see Donald Trump at NBC yesterday? So likable. So so likable. The big news yesterday was that Donald Trump will not run for president so that he can focus his energy full time on reality shows. He might host two shows on NBC next year: Celebrity Apprentice and there's some talk that he might be asked to host The Sing Off, which would be retitled The Jerk Off."

On Fox newcomer The X Factor: "I have to say, i think this is the best idea of 2002. It's like American Idol meets a mirror."

On CBS's older-skewing audience: "No matter what anyone tells you this week, the business of network television is very uncertain right now. Fox, ABC and NBC are all losing viewers to cable and the Internet. And CBS is losing them to natural causes... I hate to flood you with facts and statistics, but more people die watching CBS than any other network."

On Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen on CBS' Two and a Half Men: "CBS announced a plan to move forward and retool the show, and sure enough they found another tool, Ashton Kutcher. He happens to be a pretty solid choice. He's popular, he's handsome, he's talented and he has experience. Remember, he did a very good job replacing Bruce Willis."

On ABC reality show Shark Tank: "We're excited about all of our shows. Except Shark Tank. We have no idea how that got back on the schedule. You know what someone should invent on Shark Tank? A replacement for Shark Tank."

On ABC reality show Wipeout: "We have Wipeout year round now. You know, originally all we had was fat people falling down in the summer. But then our creative team looked at that said, 'What if we also had fat people falling down in the winter too?' And Winter Wipeout was born."

On ABC employees: "Here's what it comes down to. All of us at ABC, from the top down, are committed to one thing: keeping our jobs. So we have no choice but to try to create quality shows, even though it's a huge pain in the ass."

On network ad pricing: "I can't promise you any of these shows will be good. I can't promise you any of them will be successful. But what i can promise you is that they will be expensive to advertise in."