Kathy Griffin Presents Unacceptable Emmy Speeches

Illustration: John Ueland

The two-time Emmy winner, eligible for two more this year, generously writes thank-yous for imaginary winners.

Charlie Sheen, comedy actor, Two and a Half Men
First, I'd like to acknowledge my dad for sending over clean batches of Sheen urine. And if anyone finds a tooth that smells of lighter fluid, please drop it off next to the unmarked Ziploc bags at the end of my driveway. I'd also like to thank Jon Cryer and that kid who plays our son -- or landlord, or whoever the hell he's supposed to be. And, of course, my goddesses. If you're watching at home, girls, the blank check is on the counter. And finally, to Chuck Lorre and Ashton Kutcher: No hard feelings. I've given it a lot of thought, and $2 million an episode is nowhere near as fun as doing a Web show for free.

Ryan Seacrest, reality host, American Idol
I'm coming to you via satellite from my tanning bed. I've just finished my mani-pedi, and I'm about to streak my tips. I want to thank everyone in the academy for whatever this award is -- which I will melt down and sell for cash. Because I am Ryan Seacrest, and it's never enough. Seacrest out.

Kim Kardashian, reality program, Keeping Up With the Kardashians
I'm honored to accept this award for outstanding performance by whichever Kardashian is on the stripper pole at the moment while their mom tells her she's doing a good job, even if she's 12. This is not just an award for a Kardashian with a sex tape, this is an award for all Kardashians everywhere, and their spinoffs and their spouses and their younger siblings. It's like a puppy mill. But I want to see a Maury Povich DNA test, because we can't all be Kardashians. There are 27 Kardashians now on TV. A few of us are just lying and saying we're Kardashians. Kathy Griffin would too, if she could get away with it -- if she had darker hair. In a heartbeat. Her life would be easier.

Evan Rachel Wood, miniseries/movie supporting actress, Mildred Pierce
I'd like to thank the editors of Mildred Pierce for putting together the most disturbing sex scene that Kate Winslet walks in on and it gets burned into your memory. The only fast thing in that miniseries is me. I have a rockin' bod, and who wouldn't throw themselves at Guy Pearce? I don't even remember what the movie was called or what my character's name is or his is, and I don't care. See you guys at the screening of Mildred Pierce 2.

Snooki, reality star of the year, Jersey Shore
This Emmy is so hot, it makes me DTF, which as you know I don't do until GTL. And I just want to remind everyone, I'm a really good person. [Snooki face-plants on the train of Claire Danes' dress.]

Claire Danes, TV movie actress, Temple Grandin
Thank you for this honor, but I didn't know a movie could be nominated and win every single year. I'm not the genius. Temple? [Temple Grandin stands and waves at Danes.]

Oprah Winfrey, guest performer more important than the star of the show she's on (new category)
This is biiiig, people!! I withdrew my name for consideration as a show, but as a guest?!! It's one of your faaaaavorite things!! I couldn't have done it without my lord and savior, Gaaaaayle!! Oh, and as my good friend and mentor Maya Angelou would say … zzzzzzzzz.

Sarah Palin, drama actress, Sarah Palin's Alaska
Heyhowareyahowyadoin'? Am I proud to win best actress in a drama? You betcha. Doing Sarah Palin's Alaska was the biggest challenge of my career because I had to act like I spend time in Alaska. And that's acting, people. Take that, Michele Bachmann! Let's be honest: Nobody wants to watch Michele Bachmann's Minnesota.

The Kennedys, miniseries/movie
We'd like to thank our studio, Wikipedia Productions. If this film has taught us anything, it's to never let facts get in the way of a mediocre performance by Katie Holmes. We'd also like to thank the Kennedy family. Much as they tried to ensure the lowest possible viewership, they at least didn't force us to be on OWN. And to Greg Kinnear, an actor's actor, all we can say is, we're sorry.

Kathy Griffin, reality program, comedy special
I would like to thank the academy, who are like family to me. Let's face it: Love and family come and go, but Emmys are forever. Thank you for this Emmy for My Life on the D-List, where I got the first televised public pap smear (take that, Steve Buscemi!), knocked on Sarah Palin's door with Levi Johnston (that's gotta hurt, Randy Jackson!) and marched to help repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell (in your face, cast of Bones!). And I finally beat out The Kennedy Center Honors for my stand-up special Kathy Griffin: 50 and Not Pregnant, which, by the way, is way funnier than any episode of Game of Thrones. [Kathy exits stage right, face full of tears, heart full of gratitude and collapses into the inviting, awaiting arms of her BFF, Oprah.]