Four of Larry David's Funniest Rants From His 'Fish in the Dark' Interviews

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Larry David

The man behind 'Seinfeld' and 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' who wrote and stars in the hit Broadway play opening Thursday night, had a few memorable moments from the handful of TV appearances he made to promote the show.

Larry David doesn't do a ton of interviews. But the man behind Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm made a few talk-show appearances and sat down for an extended video interview with Katie Couric for Yahoo to promote his new play Fish in the Dark, which officially opens on Broadway on Thursday night.

During these chats, David discussed how he ended up writing and acting in the play, explaining that producer Scott Rudin convinced him to take the stage despite his objections, and now he's regretting that decision. But he also voiced his thoughts on a number of subjects, including dogs, holidays and the Internet. He likewise frequently alluded to how he hates doing interviews and didn't want to do the sit-down he's in the middle of.

Read on for some of David's funniest rants from his recent talk-show appearances, presented in chronological order.

His complicated relationship with dogs.

Back in September, David appeared on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon to promote Fish in the Dark, even though his play was months away from opening. During the chat, the topic turned to dogs, after Fallon suggested he get one and David quickly said, "Dogs don't care for me, no." After David explained that he was bit twice in the past few years, Fallon said he could get a dog and train it so it would like you, and David replied, "Not necessarily. I had a dog, and the dog didn't like me. I didn't get the good greeting when I came home: the barking, the tail wagging … He picked his head up, looked at me and went back to bed." But even though dogs aren't fond of him, David said he is envious of the way they eat.

"I loved the way they scarfed up their food, their head in the bowl," he said. "I was jealous of their eating habits. I wanted to put my head in the bowl like that. It seems like it's fun."

His nerves about his Broadway debut.

David often talked about how nervous he was about making his Broadway debut, terrified that he'd forget his lines or screw up in some other way onstage. Fish in the Dark has been a hot ticket since it started previews last month, and the show is nearly sold-out, so it's unlikely David is bombing onstage. But before that, David appeared on The Late Show With David Letterman, where he begged the CBS host to get him out of the pickle he'd gotten himself into when he agreed to star in his show.

"Dave, I'm nervous. I'm frightened. I'm scared to death. Help me! Dave, help me! Help me!" he said at one point.

Letterman came up with a few suggestions (retirement, dying in the first act), but it didn't seem like David was going to take him up on any of those. David also wanted to make sure Letterman didn't see what transpires onstage, repeating what he told multiple interviewers: Don't tell me when you're coming to the show.

"I have tremendous respect for you. I love you," David told Letterman. "But don't come [to the play]."

The two argued for a bit as David insisted, "You have a very distinctive laugh. I'm going to hear your laugh. I'm going to go, 'Oh, Dave's in the audience. What's Dave doing here? I wonder if Dave's enjoying the show?'… I'm going to lose my focus. I'm going to think, 'Did Dave bring a snack? What kind of snack did Dave bring? Is Dave going to go to the bathroom at intermission?' All of my focus will be gone. Do yourself a favor: Stay home."

He hates holidays — and interview games.

On NBC's Today, David made it clear how he's not fond of playing cute games on talk shows. In a taped sit-down with Matt Lauer, Lauer suggests they play a "How do you plead?" game, consisting of a series of true-or-false questions. David gets a skeptical expression on his face and starts in with, "This is why I hate stuff like this. … You'll see how much I'm going to hate this. Go ahead."

Despite objecting to the game, David pleads "not guilty" to the charge of being a "year-round Grinch," but he's not fond of Christmas — or many other holidays for that matter, going on, unprovoked, about which ones he detests.

"Do I like Christmas? No, I don't. I can't stand it," he said. "That's more about the music and the garbage accumulation. Look what it puts people through; it's ridiculous. And people buy into it, and they do it. I don't understand it. But just because you hate Christmas doesn't mean you're a year-round Grinch. Are there other holidays I can't stand? Of course. … I don't like the Fourth of July at all. Why can't we celebrate without firecrackers? … I don't like the firecrackers. I can't stand Halloween. ... If you're an adult, what's in it for me, you know? I don't see the benefit of it.

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He doesn't like selfies, social media and "going viral."

David discussed his lack of tech savvy and dislike of social media during a wide-ranging discussion with Katie Couric. Although his daughters taught him how to FaceTime, "There's nothing else I can do." But he doesn't want to do much more, ranting, "Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?!" He doesn't like selfies or social media, thinking there should be "more disconnection." And he never wants to "go viral."

"This viral business, 'going viral': Is there a more sickening term in the English language than going viral? Oh god almighty, help us," he said. "Going viral. If any of this goes viral, I'll be very upset, I can tell you that. I don't want to be the subject of viral. I don't want my name associated with a virus."