Late-Night Hosts Tackle Trump's Surprise Hospital Visit

Courtesy of Comedy Central

"No one breaks their annual physical into 'phases,'" 'Daily Show' host Trevor Noah said. "That's not a thing."

Was the president's surprise visit to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center over the weekend just "phase one" of his annual physical, as he claimed? Late-night hosts were extremely skeptical in their responses to the news on their Monday night shows. 

President Donald Trump's unannounced visit to Walter Reed on Saturday prompted surprise and speculation in many quarters, as presidential doctor visits are usually included on their public schedule and announced well in advance. Trump tweeted after the fact that the visit was "phase one of my yearly physical," but as many journalists noted, his last physical was in February.

In a letter released on Monday evening, Trump's doctor, Sean Conley, said that the visit was "routine, planned interim checkup" that was kept off the record due to "scheduling uncertainties." Conley denied rumors that Trump felt chest pain or that he received special cardiac or neurological examinations. "Primary preventive medical care is something that occurs continuously throughout the year. It is not just a single annual event," Conley added. 

On The Daily Show on Monday, host Trevor Noah disagreed: "That's not a thing. No one breaks their annual physical into 'phases,'" he said. "You're not like, 'Today we can cup the balls, and in March I'll come back and cough?'"

Noah added that due to their distrust of official communications from the Trump White House, left-leaning pundits were speculating wildly as to the reason for the visit. "Did Trump have a heart problem or a stroke, and if he did have a stroke, how would you even be able to tell?" he joked. "The symptoms of a stroke are slurred speech, confusion and erratic behavior. For Trump, that's a Tuesday!"

Over on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel Live!'s host took aim at White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham's appearance on Fox News in an interview with Jeanine Pirro about the visit. Noting that Trump had a busy year ahead of him, Grisham said, "[The doctor's visit] was very routine. We had a down day today, so he made the decision to head there."

"They had a 'down day'? Every day is a down day," Kimmel responded. "The dolphins at Sea World have busier schedules than our president."

Later during Grisham's appearance, Pirro agreed with the press secretary that the president had a grueling schedule, saying, “He’s almost superhuman. I don’t know how anyone can deal with what he’s dealing with. I get frustrated with what’s going on in Washington.”

Kimmel fired back, "Right. He’s faster than a tweeting bullet. Able to bankrupt tall buildings in a single bound!"

On CBS, meanwhile, The Late Show host Stephen Colbert noted that "Trump wouldn't be the first president to hide health issues: FDR hid polio, Eisenhower hid a heart attack and Lincoln hid his secret skull-reduction surgery." 

Colbert then offered his best wishes to Trump, adding that while he wasn't the president's biggest fan, "I don't want him to leave the White House feet-first. I want him to leave handcuffs-first."

During The Late Show's cold open, an actor portraying Trump's doctor addressed reporters at a press conference. In an attempt to "dispel any rumors about the president's unscheduled medical appointment," he clarified that Trump was only at the hospital for a routine procedure.

The doctor added that during Trump's visit, he determined that there was "a blockage in his lower GI tract when it was discovered that several Republican members of Congress had lodged their heads in his quid pro hole."

The doctor continued, "We immediately attempted to remove the GOP Congressmen's heads, but once out, they would hear more Ukraine testimony and would dive right back in there."

Jimmy Fallon also touched on Trump's hospital visit during The Tonight Show.

"Trump had his annual physical," the host began. "There was an awkward moment when the nurse told Trump, 'Mr. Trump, the open part of the robe should be in the back.'" Fallon then did an impression of Trump as he replied, "I thought my tie would cover my bits and pieces."

Following the physical checkup, Fallon said Trump assured the public that he is feeling great. "Today he was like, 'I'm the picture of health. I do ten steps a day. I drink eight glasses on Diet Coke and I try to get a good seven or eight hours of tweeting,'" Fallon joked.

Seth Meyers questioned how many phases Trump had to go through for his physical on Late Night.

While at the hospital, Trump tweeted, "Also began phase one of my yearly physical. Everything very good (great!). Will complete next year."

"Phase one of a physical?" questioned Meyers. "That sounded strange, so we did some digging and discovered that his annual physical has five phases."

The host shared that the first phase was to "measure his official height and negotiate his official weight," while phase two was "a complete strip, spackle, priming and repainting."

The third phase was "his annual battery of paternity tests," followed by the fourth phase of surgically removing "his hand from a Nutella jar."

The final phase was Trump asking about breast implants. "Not the procedure, he just wants to play around with them," said Meyers.