Late-Night Hosts Mock Mike Pence's "Motionless" Demeanor During Oval Office Meeting
"I'm a manila envelope taped to a beige wall, no one can see me."
Late-night hosts took aim at President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence's meeting with Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer on Tuesday and, in particular, the vice president's behavior.
A sketch portraying Pence's interior monologue during the meeting kicked off the Late Show. "I wonder if I sit real still if people will even notice I'm here," a voiceover said as footage of a stoic Pence from the meeting was shown. "I'm a manila envelope taped to a beige wall, no one can see me. I don't think all gay people are bad, I just think all bad people are gay."
Colbert later said that it takes a lot to shock him when it comes to Trump and his behavior. "Today I'm happy to say that I am shocked anew," he said.
Colbert joked that the meeting between Trump, Pelosi, Schumer and Pence looked like two cats fighting in a boxing ring. "I'll say this. That was one step up from what actually happened," he said before playing a clip from the real meeting, in which Trump argued with both Pelosi and Schumer about the possibility of a government shutdown and the president's desire for a Mexican border wall.
"Stop fighting Grandma and Grandpa and weird Grandpa!" Colbert jokingly pleaded.
Another clip showed Trump perk up when Pelosi said his name in conversation. "He's like Alexa. He only wakes up when he hears his name," said Colbert.
Colbert shared another clip that showed Trump admitting that he will shut down the government if he doesn’t get what he wants. "To be clear, he's offering to take all the blame for the thing you always blame the other side for," said the host. He then used his Trump impression and said, "'Okay, I will take all the blame for the shutdown, but first, let me just spray paint my initials on the bow of the S.S. Republican party before I drive this baby over that waterfall.'"
The next clip from the meeting showed Trump stating that he could get all the votes necessary to build the Mexican border wall. "Now I know what it's like to play poker with Donald Trump. 'Look, I have a full house and I can play it at any time. I could beat all of you in one second if I felt like it. Anyway, I'm bluffing. Here's my money,'" joked Colbert.
Later in the meeting, Trump disagreed with Pelosi and Schumer's suggestion that they should wait to have a debate until the press isn't around. "Any child of divorce has seen this conversation before," responded Colbert.
"Pelosi explained why it was so important to have the conversation in private," said Colbert before he played a clip where she stated that she didn't want to contradict the president in public. "No! Exactly wrong. Contradict him in public. This is fun. Ask him to name seven state capitals. No, ask him to name seven states."
Colbert shared a quote from Pelosi after the meeting, in which she said that Trump used the border wall as a "manhood" thing, "as if manhood could be associated with him." The quote received shocked gasps and applause from the audience. "The wall's a metaphor for his manhood. No wonder he's having trouble erecting it," said Colbert.
"Here's the thing about Trump threatening to shut down the government over his wall. This morning he tweeted a long tweet in which he said we already do have a wall," said Colbert. "Trump's problem is that he has to say, 'We built the wall' to satisfy the people who voted for him in 2016, but he also has to say, 'We need to build the wall' to get people to vote for him in 2020. He needs a wall that both does and does not exist. I just hope he has good mime skills."
Over on The Daily Show, host Trevor Noah observed how Pence didn't say a word the entire time. "He just sat there motionless, like a guy whose edibles just kicked in," said Noah. "I mean, like, you've got to wonder what he was thinking about when everyone was arguing. He was probably just daydreaming about, I don't know, whatever it is that Mike Pence daydreams about."
Noah also shared a segment about how Trump is on Santa's "naughty" list. "It's Christmas time and President Trump already knows what he wants from Santa: a big shiny border wall. But Santa is not going to give it to him, because if there's one person who's on the naughty list, it's Trump," Noah said. He went on to joke that Trump has "put children in cages," which was followed by an impersonation of the president.
Noah went on to discuss Trump's desire for a border wall and suggest that he negotiate with Democrats this Christmas.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host also noted Pence's behavior. "The best part of the meeting was Mike Pence — just sitting there quietly — patiently waiting to be president, not saying a word," Kimmel quipped.
Kimmel also joked that the meeting was a great template for a new reality television show. He shared clips from the meeting that were interrupted by Real Housewives cast members looking surprised. The clip concluded with Pelosi flipping over a table.
Over on Late Night, host Seth Meyers shared a brief clip from the meeting. "Oh boy, the oldies are fighting," he said. "At least that's gonna save you a trip home for Christmas."
"Also, what is Mike Pence doing?" he asked as a photo showed a relaxed Pence with his eyes closed. "I guess when Schumer said, 'Shut down,' Pence took him literally."
"That's right. Trump got into an argument with Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi on camera today, then as usual he tried offering them $130,000 to be quiet," concluded Meyers.
James Corden opened The Late Late Show by sharing Trump's plan to have the military build the border wall if Congress won't fund it.
"It looks like Trump's border wall is right on track to still never be built," he said. "If that doesn't work, he'll have no choice but to ask Santa Claus."
Corden then focused on Trump's "tantrum" in the meeting. "Think of this as a little preview of what your family dinners are gonna look like this holiday season," said the host. "This looks like a group at a senior center arguing over whether to watch The Price is Right or a rerun of I Love Lucy."
The host then pointed out Pence's lack of interest during the meeting. "He looks like he's just thinking, 'Just hold still, Mike. No sudden movements. Maybe they won't realize you're here,'" he said.
Corden also showed the bust of Martin King, Jr. next to Pence. "He's thinking, 'This was not my dream,'" he said.
Another object that appeared to be uncomfortable in the room was a painting of Alexander Hamilton. Corden said, "Hamilton's thinking, 'I don't want to be in the room where this happened.' Also he's thinking, 'Can anyone get me tickets for Hamilton?'"
Over on The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon said that the meeting "was like a Real Housewives reunion."