Monica Lewinsky Opens Up About Attraction to Bill Clinton, Suicidal Thoughts After Affair
"I remember looking out the window and thinking that the only way to fix this was to kill myself," Lewinsky says in a clip from an upcoming A&E docuseries.
In a preview for A&E's upcoming docuseries The Clinton Affair, Monica Lewinsky recalls the emotional aftermath of her affair with former President Bill Clinton. According to the White House intern-turned-social activist, she became suicidal in 1998 when the FBI questioned her about her interactions with Clinton.
"There was this point for me somewhere in the first several hours where I would be hysterically crying and then I would just shut down," Lewinsky says in the clip, released Tuesday. "And in the shut-down period, I remember looking out the window and thinking that the only way to fix this was to kill myself, was to jump out the window."
She tearfully adds: "I felt terrible. I was scared, and I was just mortified and afraid of what this was going to do to my family. I know I was still in love with Bill at the time, so I felt really responsible."
In another preview, Lewinsky explains why she was attracted to Clinton. "I don't talk about this very often and I still feel uncomfortable talking about it because I think it's one of those things where it's not as if it didn't register with me that he was the president. Obviously, it did," she says.
"But I think in one way, the moment we were actually in the back office for the first time, the truth is I think it meant more to me that someone who other people desired, desired me," Lewinsky continues. "However wrong it was, however misguided, for who I was in that very moment at 22 years old, that was how it felt."
Lewinsky revealed why she decided to participate in The Clinton Affair in a recent piece written for Vanity Fair, where she serves as a contributing editor.
"Filming the documentary forced me to acknowledge to myself past behavior that I still regret and feel ashamed of. There were many, many moments when I questioned not just the decision to participate, but my sanity itself," she wrote. "Yes, the process of filming has been exceedingly painful. But I hope that by participating, by telling the truth about a time in my life — a time in our history — I can help ensure that what happened to me never happens to another young person in our country again."
Lewinsky also wrote that she would apologize to Hillary Clinton for her affair with the former first lady's husband if they were ever to meet in person: "If I were to see Hillary Clinton in person today, I know that I would summon up whatever force I needed to again acknowledge to her — sincerely — how very sorry I am."
The Clinton Affair premieres on A&E on Nov. 18 at 9 p.m.