MTV Movie & TV Awards: Read Tiffany Haddish's "Bodak Yellow" Parody Lyrics and Opening Monologue
"Seth Rogen is here. I like you, Seth. You’re my favorite bearded white man since Abraham Lincoln."
Tiffany Haddish got the audience bumping at the MTV Movie & TV Awards, which aired Monday night, by covering Cardi B's chart-topping "Bodak Yellow" and then calling out stars including Chris Pratt and Seth Rogen during her monologue.
Read a full transcript of her cover and monologue below.
"Bodak Yellow" cover:
What’s up MTV. IT’s your girl Tiffany. Tiffany be hosting. Thank you Cardi B for loaning me this dress.
Let’s go. MTV you can’t mess with me if you wanted to. These are rented. These are not my size, my toes turning blue. It don’t matter I did Girls Trip — I did the Oscars, too. Now I’m paid, I’m a movie star, I do what I choose. Look, I don’t dance now, I make money movies. I don’t gotta dance, that’s what those guys do. If you see me and I don’t speak, that means you might bite me too. I’m a boss MTV, don't tell me what to do.
Ooh is that you Michael B. Jordan? You can probably look a girl in her eyes and get her pregnant right there by eyesight. Look at me in my eyes, Michael. Look into my eyes! [A fake pregnancy bump pops out of her dress.] Oh damn y’all see that? Y’all just witnessed the first immaculate conception and pregnancy reveal all the same time. Oh shit that was gas.
If you a movie you can watch it even if you’re on TV. You know where I’m at, you know where I be. If you catch me in the club, then you know I drink for free. If I'm flying on the zip, you know I have to pee. Honestly, I don’t care about who ain’t fond of me. I did six movies just this year, my bitch working just as hard as me. I am down to be your host.
We are here to celebrate the best in movies and TV that we watch on our phones. No matter how you watch it you can only see me in HD — that’s hot damn scope. I’m that vivid, bitch!
It’s been a year of firsts for black people. I’m the first black woman to host the MTV Movie Awards, Black Panther is the first African-American movie to make a billion dollars, and The Quiet Place is the first film to scare black people out of talking in movie theaters.
I’m always excited to see the Kardashians. Hi! That family is basically the Star Wars franchise.
They make a ton of money, a new one is always popping up, and they’re ruled by a bossy overlord who sleeps in a mask and she loves black men.
And you know who else I love? Zendaya! She taught me how to model and I taught her how to grapefruit. She’s 21 now, y’all! She’s a grown woman. You gotta know how to do that if you want a husband.
Seth Rogen is here. I like you, Seth. You’re my favorite bearded white man since Abraham Lincoln.
The Jonas Brother is here. Nick Jonas is going to tear it up with Mustard, which is also how I want him to tear it up with me.
What up Riverdale! Riverdale is a hit show its a darker version of the Archie comics. Apparently Betty dates Jughead because he’s named after his penis.
Look at those kids from Stranger Things. Everyone thinks they are so cute but hear me out, OK? They ride bikes in a group, Eleven beats asses, and they’re always dropping bodies. Where I come from thats a straight-up gang alright? You never see it, but I know that curly-haired one’s got a shank in his hair right now.
I’m glad this show covers both TV and movies because now I get to flirt with Chris Pratt from "Park and Recreations" and Chris Pratt from Guardians of the Galaxy. Hey Chris! I got a galaxy you can guard.
Alright, alright I gotta wrap this up because usually when a black girl talks this much on MTV she usually just got catfished.