'New Rules' for Hollywood

Janet Van Ham/HBO

Bill Maher offers a showbiz riff on his weekly talk-show segment.

If an actor gets so much plastic surgery that they're not quite the same person, they have to change their name so it's not quite the same name. Example: "Did you see Lindsey Lowland on SNL last night?" "No, I was watching an Arthur Schwarzegger movie." "Which one was that?" "You know, that one with Dickie Rourke and Sylvester Scallion."

Since Oscar voters are 77 percent male, 94 percent white and 86 percent over 50, the Academy must change its name to The Tea Party.

Instead of going on TV and rambling on and on about how Hollywood is a cesspool that has no values, right-wing TV personalities must come to one of our cocaine orgies and say it to our face.

I'm against quotas, but Hollywood must voluntarily agree to make only half of all movies and TV shows out of the premise: "What if a superhero had everyday problems?" This would leave 51 percent of films free for "I'm Freaked Out About a Wedding," "I'm So Sad About My Dead Child, I'm Not Even Wearing Make Up" and "Oh My God! I'm on Vacation With Zach Galifianakis."

All Hollywood agents must disclose what they really wanted to be before they gave up and became a Hollywood agent. Come on. Get it out. This way we can make sure your neuroses don't get mixed up with your client's neuroses. And no, we're not reading your script.

Stop making movies where grown men are handed a baby and completely lose their mind. Even I know how to handle an infant. You support his head when you hold him, and if he's fussy, you have him suck on a rag soaked in Jack Daniel's.