Golden Globes: Read Seth Meyers' Opening Monologue

"For the male nominees in the room tonight, this is the first time in three months it won't be terrifying to hear your name read out loud."

Seth Meyers took on President Trump, Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein and more in his monologue at the 75th annual Golden Globes on Sunday night. Read the full transcript of his remarks below.


Hello everyone! Welcome! Good evening. Good evening ladies and remaining gentlemen. I'm Seth Meyers and I'll be your host tonight. Welcome to the 75th annual Golden Globes, and happy New Year, Hollywood!

It's 2018 and marijuana is finally allowed and sexual harassment finally isn't. It's going to be a good year. This was the year of big little lies and get out — and also the television series Big Little Lies and the movie Get Out.

There's a new era underway, and I can tell because it's been years since a white man was this nervous in Hollywood. By the way a special hello to hosts of other upcoming awards shows who are watching me tonight like the first dog they shot into outer space. For the male nominees in the room tonight, this is the first time in three months it won't be terrifying to hear your name read out loud. Did you hear about, Willem Dafoe? Oh God, no! He was nominated. Don't do that! Don't do that!

Considering what has been going on this year with powerful men and their terrible behavior, a lot of people thought it would be more appropriate for a woman to host these awards, and they may be right. But if it's any consolation, I'm a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood. I'm not even the most powerful Seth in the room tonight. Hey, remember when he was the guy making trouble with North Korea? Simpler times.

They tried to get a woman to host this show. They really did. They said, "How would you like to come and be judged by the most powerful people in Hollywood?" And women were like, "Hmm, where is it?" And they said, "It's at a hotel," and long story short, I'm your host tonight!

We're all here tonight courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string of three words that could not have been better designed to infuriate our president. Hollywood. Foreign. Press. The only name that would make him angrier would be the Hillary Mexico Salad Association.

Well, I think it's time to address the elephant not in the room. Harvey Weinstein isn't here tonight because, well, I've heard rumors that he's crazy and difficult to work with. But don't worry. He'll be back in 20 years when he becomes the first person ever booed in the In Memoriam. [Gasps from the audience.] It will sound like that.

Well, despite everything that happened this year, the show goes on. For example, I was happy to hear they're going to do another season of House of Cards. Is Christopher Plummer available for that, too? I hope he can do a Southern accent 'cause Kevin Spacey sure couldn't. Oh, is that too mean? To Kevin Spacey?

Daniel Kaluuya is nominated for best actor for his work in Get Out. Daniel plays a young man lured to an event full of aging white people desperate to reclaim their youth, and oh my God, Daniel it's a trap! Get out! Get Out was a great film to see in a theater and also a great way to tell if your date was a racist. If you walked out after that movie and your date said, "It was so sad when they hit that deer," they're a racist. You went to a movie with a racist.

The Shape of Water received the most nominations of any film this year. Just an incredibly beautiful film, but I have to admit when I first heard about a film where a naive young woman falls in love with a disgusting sea monster, I have to admit I thought, "Oh man, not another Woody Allen movie." It's Manhattan in water.

The Post is nominated for best picture tonight. The Post. The Post is a film about journalistic integrity directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep. [Woman walks onstage with Golden Globes] No, not yet. We have to wait.

There was some great television nominated this year, too. We had another fantastic season of Stranger Things. Stranger Things reminded me so much of my childhood. Not the sci-fi stuff and I didn't really have any friends; I don't know how to ride a bike. Basically just the part where a guy from Radio Shack dated my mom. Sesame Street recently released a parody of Stranger Things titled Sharing Things. Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie have been doing a parody of Call Me by Your Name for years.

I live in New York so one of my favorite shows of the year was The Deuce. The Deuce is a show about Times Square in the early '70s when New York was so seedy there were two James Francos.

Oprah Winfrey is receiving the Cecil B. DeMille award tonight. What a tremendous honor for Cecil B. DeMille.

While I have you, in 2011 I told some jokes about our current president at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Jokes about how he was unqualified to be president, and some have said that night convinced him to run. So if that's true I just want to say: Oprah, you will never be president. You do not have what it takes. And Hanks! Where's Hanks? You will never be vice president. You are too mean and unrelatable. We'll just have to wait and see.

So if I may, on my show we do a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell" with two of my writers, Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel, where they tell punchlines that would be more fun coming from them instead of me, a straight white male. Tonight, that's more true than ever. So we thought we could enlist some of the brilliant people in this room. So let's start. Where's Jessica Chastain? There's Jessica Chastain. Give it up for Jessica! So I'm going to say the setup and Jessica is going to say the punchline. The Golden Globes turned 75 this year …

Jessica Chastain: But the actress that plays its wife is still only 32.

Meyers: There you go so much more fun. Where's Billy Eichner?

Billy Eichner: I'm here. Right over here.

Meyers: Call Me by Your Name is nominated for best motion picture. It is a gay coming-of-age film …

Eichner: Said Kevin Spacey, "You lost me at 'of age.'"

Meyers: And you thought it was mean when I said he didn't have a Southern accent. Issa Rae is nominated for her HBO show, Insecure. There's Issa!

Rae: Hey!

Meyers: Alright here's your setup: Insecure creator Issa Rae currently has three projects in development with HBO.

Rae: Yeah that's right, and three projects is also where they think I'm from.

Meyers: Next up, Hong Chau, so brilliant in the film Downsizing. Let's see, Hong. Here's the setup: According to a recent article, only 5 percent of speaking roles in Hollywood are played by Asian actors …

Chau: But those numbers might be off since a white person did the math.

Meyers: All right, where's Amy Poehler? All right, there you are, Amy. Do you want to do one?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, I'll do one but I don't need your help.

Meyers: No, I do the setup and then you do the punchline.

Poehler: Is that how it works? You're explaining something I already know. Is this the mansplaining part of the evening?

Meyers: No, no, no, I just don't think it will work without a setup to your punchline.

Poehler: Oh, I'm glad to know what you think. First of all, thank you for telling me what you think. And secondly, I'm a woman in Hollywood, Seth. We've all been through a lot. I don't need a setup to make a punchline work, OK? You're sadly mistaken.

Meyers: OK, I apologize.

Poehler: Another apology how wonderful. All right, let me just get started. I'm reclaiming my wine.

Meyers: So you're just going to do a punchline, no setup?

Poehler: Everybody gets it. You already explained it. Stop explaining it! Oh my God. OK, punchline, no setup, here we go: Said the peach in Call Me by Your Name, "This scene is the pits!"

Meyers: Thank you so much, Amy! Also, I wanted to point out sitting next to Amy is Saru Jayaraman. Give it up for Saru, everyone. She's one of many activists from outside of this industry who's been invited here tonight in support of the Time's Up initiative. It's great — yeah, give it up — It's great that this movement understands that what tarnished our world this year tarnishes so many others and is reaching out to help them, too.

And I know if you're watching at home and you see everyone in their tuxedos and gowns, this looks like a room of privileged Hollywood elite — and that's fair. Everyone in this room knows that Hollywood is so much more than that. When you're on a film set, you meet hair dressers and camera people and script supervisors; most of the jobs on film sets are jobs for people who work long, hard hours. They are American dream jobs. [Applause] Those people aren't there thanks to their rich dad — except for that one P.A. Every film set has at least one super-connected P.A. who is always late. And you ask what the hell his deal is and someone says, like, "Oh, that's Jeremy Paramount." Give Jeremy his space.

People in this room worked really hard to get here, but it's clear now more than ever before that the women had to work even harder. So thank you for all the amazing work that you've all done and continue to do. I look forward to you leading us into whatever comes next. So thank you so much for letting me say that. And now to present our first award — oh please don't be two white dudes, please don't be two white dudes. Oh thank God. It's Gal Gadot and Dwayne Johnson, everybody!

Tune in after the telecast for The Hollywood Reporter and Hollywood Foreign Press Association's official aftershow, live on Twitter.