Sony Hack: Producer Gavin Polone Apologizes in Advance for Any Leaked Emails (Guest Column)

Sorry email Illo - P 2014

Sorry email Illo - P 2014

In the future, everyone in Hollywood will be hacked and forced to atone for our inboxes

This story first appeared in the Jan. 9 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine.

The Sony hacking situation, and the resultant release of executive emails, seems to be all anyone is talking about. The character of those conversations reminds me of something movie military consultant, actor and Vietnam vet Dale Dye once told me on a set: "You know what the first thing that goes through your mind when your buddy is blown away in a battle? 'Thank God it wasn't me.' " But the euphoria of not having been hacked only lasts so long, and I now see the discourse changing to, "What do I do if it does happen to me?"

Personally, I think the conversation between Rudin and Pascal about the president's possible taste in movies was pretty innocuous compared to what might be on the servers of others I know, myself included -- really, the surprise with my private email would be if there is anyone who won't be offended. And there have to be many other groups like the "Guardians of Peace" out there that are interested in embarrassing those of us who are helping to destroy humanity with our purveyance of the wicked values we imbed in filmed entertainment. Therefore, it is only a matter of time before Gawker and Buzzfeed are rummaging through all of our emails.

While I believe it is wrong to hold people publicly accountable for their private discourse, it appears prudent to get ahead of these future crises by coming up with an action plan. Apparently, what people do in these cases is beg forgiveness from some representative of the offended group. While it seems hokey, for hundreds of years Catholics have been seeking and granted absolution from God by confessing their wrongs to priests, who are His representatives. The Church is still going strong, so who am I to dispute its methods? Although, in the recent Sony email misfortune, I do contend with the choice of confessors. I mean, why Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton? Jackson once thought he was having a private conversation and referred to Jews as "hymies" and New York as "Hymietown"; Sharpton hideously defamed prosecutor Steven Pagones as one of Tawana Brawley's attackers, and he called Jews "diamond merchants" with "the blood of innocent babies" on their hands. Surely, we can find better people than these to represent the offended?

As part of my pre-penance, I offer a look at those I intend to petition for forgiveness when my transgressions are revealed. (Click to enlarge)