Stephen Colbert, Jordan Klepper Take on Attempted NYC Terror Attack

Stephen Colbert and Jordan Klepper - NYC Commute -Screen shots -Split-H 2017
Courtesy of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert; The Opposition with Jordan Klepper

“The worst you did is make the subways run late, and the MTA does that just fine without your help,” said Colbert to the suspect.

On Monday, an improvised bomb went off early in the morning in a New York City subway passageway near the Port Authority bus terminal. The incident left at least three people injured, and the suspect has been taken into custody. But the attack could've been much worse. 

Stephen Colbert and Jordan Klepper both opened their shows talking about the city's resilience in the face of this latest threat and poked fun at the suspected attacker.

“The suspect, who’s Bangladeshi, is 27 and lives in Brooklyn so he used only locally sourced handmade artisanal bomb parts,” the Late Show host joked. “Probably a pickle in there somewhere.”

“But I’ve got something to say to this guy,” he said. “Seriously? You tried to terrorize New York subway commuters? Nice try." Colbert went on to give examples of the normal struggles of being a New York City-based commuter. "New York commuters don’t even flinch when the subway break dancers kick two inches away from their face. They have to battle rats for the seat, which, for the record, you should only give up if the rat is pregnant.”

Colbert continued to mock the man’s failed plan. “You tried to sow chaos and confusion in the Port Authority station? That is the normal state of affairs at the Port Authority bus station. There’s a pretty good chance your little explosion may have scoured some of the grime off of the wall,” he said. “Now you’re going to jail for a long, long, long time and all New Yorkers want to know is: Does that mean your apartment is free and is it rent control?”

“You tried to terrorize New York and you failed. We’re stronger than that,” concluded Colbert. “The worst you did is make the subways run late and the MTA does that just fine without your help.”

Klepper also criticized the suspect’s plan on Monday night’s episode of The Opposition. “This terrorist thought he could bring chaos to the Port Authority. Clearly he has never been to the Port Authority,” Klepper began.

“It’s already a lawless bus dungeon, tougher than ISIS will ever be. I’ve had knife fights with no fewer than three Port Authority pigeons,” he said of the bus terminal. “I once left the Port Authority with a full sleeve tattoo and that place does not have a tattoo shop.”

Klepper concluded the segment by recognizing the everyday strength that goes into being a New York commuter. “Today a terrorist lost to the real heroes,” he said. “The brave commuters who everyday fight through the bleak, Kafkaesque labyrinth that is New York’s Port Authority bus terminal.”