Stephen Colbert Reveals Fake Harry Potter Secrets Involving Rupert Murdoch, Killing "Wizard Hitler"
The 'Late Show' host is fed up with J.K. Rowling continuing to share new insights about the series that ended nearly a decade ago, so he decides to beat her at her own Quidditch game.
Stephen Colbert is a famous J.R.R. Tolkien fan, but the Late Show host said on Friday night's episode of the CBS late-night show that he's also "a big Harry Potter fan."
He claimed that he's memorized every detail of J.K. Rowling's books, including a curious mustard stain on one of the pages that he discovered while eating a hot dog.
But the Late Show host had his "invisibility cloak in a bunch" over Rowling continuing to make revelations "that completely change the story" of the world of the books.
Colbert cited Rowling's saying that Dumbledore is gay, that Hermione should have ended up with Harry instead of Ron Weasley (something Colbert's Comedy Central character also commented on) and that, in the U.S., the term for nonwizards is "No-Maj," which is short for "no magic" and will be used in the upcoming Fantastic Beasts film.
"If there are American wizards, that must mean there's also an American 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,' " said Colbert, referring to evil wizard Lord Voldemort. With that, he played a clip of news anchors explaining Rowling's recent revelation that the "t" at the end of "Voldemort" is silent, suggesting it's pronounced similar to "Colbert."
"What?! Oh, I see what's happening here. Rowling is all but outright calling me the Dark Lord," said Colbert, before declaring a plan to beat Rowling at her own game of Quidditch by "revealing all of your future Harry Potter bombshells before you can."
Colbert used some "American magic" to get the list of undisclosed spoilers: Specifically, he pretended to shoot down one of the mail-carrying owls from the series, crying out, "expectolistum."
Read Colbert, "To see the list of future Harry Potter secrets J.K. Rowling hasn't revealed yet, place this letter in a magical kettle."
Therefore, Colbert peered into a "cauldron of spoilers" to reveal a few more secrets.
Among the new, fake revelations: Hermione used the Time-Turner to go back and "kill wizard Hitler," "The Hufflepuff Quidditch team was using performance-enhancing hippogriff hormones," and "the Daily Prophet was purchased by muggle Rupert Murdoch, and now Rita Skeeter is a co-host of The Five."
Watch the video below to learn what other secrets Colbert found in the cauldron.