think tank

Boliek supporters, worry not. Scandal won't rock campaign

It's come to that time in a campaign when the candidate has to do some serious soul searching. People, some of whom are registered voters, walk by my front porch and say something like: "Brooks, why do you stay in? Don't you know that your campaign is pulling us apart? It's dividing us when we should be united. Why don't you step aside?"

Or something like: "Get that '58 Ford off those cinder blocks and mow your damn yard!"

To the former, I say something like: "Huh?" And to the latter, I say something like: "Sick 'em, boy!"

As my loyal reader(s) know, my campaign is not about me. It's about all those Americans who feel they have been left behind as our economy becomes less about making four speeds and more about broadband speeds.

Speaking of broads. I want everyone to rest assured that a sex scandal will not rock this campaign. I've been married for 17 years next month. I live in a tiny shack filled with kids, some of whom I actually know; dogs, all of whom know me; cats, none of whom know anybody; and a very lonesome hedgehog. Let me assure you that in my house there is no place for sex.

Dear voter, you can rest assured you will never hear me say something like: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."

You can also rest assured that I've never had a client number. Well, except for that piece of paper you pull out of the dispenser at Baskin Robbins.

I've just got to wonder, how rich is that Spitzer guy? I mean, he was able to hide something like $80,000 from his wife to pay for hookers. I can't hide eighty bucks from my wife to pay for a torque wrench.

My campaign will not be rocked by such scandals or torn apart by other candidates. That's because I'm a member of the party that parties. Everyone in my neighborhood knows who let the dogs out.

You won't have to worry about incendiary remarks made by my preacher damning this country. Because I spend my Sundays praying that my Ford will start, I don't go to church. I, therefore, can't be held accountable for what someone else says from some pulpit other than the porch where I spend a lot of time damning the Ford.

Rest assured, dear voter, with me in charge, you will not have to worry about whether I know the difference between Sunni and Shi'ite. I know that the former doesn't shine on the same dog's butt every day and the latter hangs on a clothes line, at least until I fix the dryer sitting on the porch.

No, such scandals will not rock my campaign. Other scandals, possibly, but not those.

As they pass my porch, my potential supporters say something like: "Brooks, that's all well and good, but those are negatives. What are you going to do about the economy?"

I tell them something like: "Well, as far as the economy goes, I'm fixing to put a two-barrel carburetor on the Ford for better economy."

"No, no!" they holler. "The national economy."

Well, to that I say I have something like a plan. It will require you all to sacrifice, work hard and use good ol' American know-how. It's a plan that will help all of us, and it won't cost most of us a thing.

It's a plan about which we can all be proud. Now, if you'll help me move the Ford, because I think I stuck it under one of those blocks.