Trump's White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech, as Imagined by a 'Modern Family' Writer

Donald Trump Speech Illustration - Edwin Fotheringham - H 2017
illustration by Edwin Fotheringham

Danny Zuker, a writer-producer on ABC's comedy series, uncovers the remarks that might have been if POTUS hadn't decided to sit this one out.

Thank you.

Wasn't Lee Greenwood terrific? For a second there, I thought he wasn't going to play "Proud to Be an American." That's a joke. Thank you. I'll keep this short because I know we want to get to the comedy of Mr. Scott Baio. Stand up, Scott! (Hold for one minute of continuous applause, then ...) Thank you.

What a crowd. The failing New York Times probably won't report this, but many people are saying we've set a record for attendance this evening. Two million people. (Hold for standing ovation.) Thank you. If I knew you guys were going to be so nice, I wouldn't go to Mar-a-Lago every weekend. I'm kidding. I've actually taken fewer vacations than any president in history. That's a fact you can look up on Breitbart, Infowars and from your Southern uncles on Facebook. To get serious for a moment, that's the kind of journalism we're here to celebrate.

How good is this dessert? If this cake were any more beautiful I'd launch missiles into Iraq Syria. Thank you.

Melania couldn't be here tonight because she's already been in the same room with me this month and a deal's a deal! I'm kidding. We're very much in love. Thank you. It's very physical and tender. (Hold for the audience to say "awwww" for five minutes.) Many people ask Melania why she is willing to spend millions of taxpayer dollars to stay in Trump Tower away from me, and she says (Do that great foreign accent I do) "Because it is worth it!" Thank you. I do terrific impressions. Just ask that disabled reporter. Is he here tonight? Stand up. (Everyone cheers as he stands, and I cross to hug him.) (Note to Jared: If you're not too busy skiing, try to get that guy to come. Check if he can stand up.)

I love Melania. So beautiful. My favorite immigrant. I'll tell you what: If all immigrants looked like her I wouldn't build a wall, I'd build a conveyer belt! Bill O'Reilly knows what I'm talking about! Don't you, Bill? CUT TO PRETAPED PACKAGE: Where Bill and me go to Hooters and promise waitresses jobs if they "play ball."

Wasn't that clever? Great girls. Terrific. Thank you.

I'll end by poking some good fun at my friends in the press. You are some of the worst people on the planet. You're a bunch of fake news-spewing filthy liars. You take things I promised I'd do in the first hundred days, like repeal and replace Obamacare, middle-class tax cuts, etc., and then when I don't do those things — because they're super hard by the way, and I only work a four-day week — you hold them against me. You're monsters. You're worse than ISIS. Sean Spicer says you're worse than Hitler. Kill yourselves.

Thank you, and God bless America. (Hold for applause, fire the confetti cannons. Cue that Three Doors Down song I don't know as Scott Baio takes the podium.)

This story first appeared in the April 26 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. To receive the magazine, click here to subscribe.