I Kissed a Vampire: Film Review

Amateurish vampire/musical mashup begs for a wooden stake.

Lucas Grabeel and Drew Seeley lead the cast in director Chris Sean Nolan's vampire musical.

Operating on the assumption that putting the words "teen," "vampire" and "musical" into the same sentence will magically attract viewers, Chris Sean Nolan's I Kissed a Vampire could only be attention-worthy if it were made by high school fans of Twilight and Glee, not those out to make a buck off them. Its theatrical bookings should vanish in the daylight, and a small-screen release will leave any takers feeling burned.

Goody-goody teen sweethearts Dylan and Sara hit a romantic roadblock when he is bit by a fellow student and catches slow-acting vampirism. Dylan tries to hide his condition, leaving the neglected Sara open to the advances of, no kidding, Trey Sylvania -- a full-on vampire who'd like to add one more conquest to his gaggle of undead concubines.

That synopsis might sound like an actual plot. But Vampire's script reads like a half-hearted attempt to get from one musical number to the next -- forgivable, perhaps, if any of the songs were worth hearing. Our would-be Bieber and Britney do the best they can with risible material and choreography that will inspire pity from generous viewers -- their song-and-dance interrupted by a couple of comic relief subplots so corny and overacted one imagines they're leftover from a porn parody of vampire flicks. Production design and costumes are similarly low-grade.

Opens: Friday, March 30 (Monterey Media)
Production Companies: Monterey Media, Alter Ego
Cast: Lucas Grabeel, Drew Seeley, Adrian Slade, Chris Coppola, Mekia Cox, Amy Paffrath, Emily Morris, Lori Lively
Director: Chris Sean Nolan
Screenwriters: Chris Sean Nolan, Laurie Nolan
Producer: Laurie Nolan
Executive producer: Mike Slade
Director of photography: Christopher Gosch
Production designer: Elvis Restaino
Music: Frankie Blue
Costume designer: Shannin Markham Carr
Editor: Chris Nolan
PG, 90 minutes