'Jersey Shore Massacre': Film Review

Jersey Shore Massacre Still - H 2014
Courtesy of Attack Entertainment

Jersey Shore Massacre Still - H 2014

Talk about wishful thinking

A group of Italian bimbos and bimbettes are slaughtered one by one in this gross-out horror comedy

You know a film’s in trouble when porn star Ron Jeremy is the classiest thing in it.

Such is the case with Jersey Shore Massacre, which unfortunately doesn’t have anything to do with MTV’s not so fondly remembered hit series except for the fact that Jenni “JWoww” Farley is listed as an executive producer. Anyone who goes in hoping that The Situation will finally get what’s coming to him will leave sorely disappointed.

And in another case of false advertising, the explicit carnage in this horror-comedy film takes place not at the Jersey shore, played in this case by Florida beaches, but rather in New Jersey’s wooded Pine Barrens. Then again, “Pine Barrens Massacre” is a far less catchy title.

The plot, such as it is, finds a gaggle of heavily accented, big-haired Brooklyn hairstylists heading out for an all-girls weekend, only to find that their intended lodging has already been rented out to someone else by its lecherous landlord (Jeremy). So the group’s Teresa (Danielle Dallacco) invites the others to stay at the palatial Pine Barrens estate owned by her “Uncle Vito,” who’s absent due to some, ahem, legal difficulties.

Unfortunately, despite its luxurious trappings, the abode offers little in the way of stimulation, so the girls head back to the Jersey Shore, where they promptly pick up a quintet of muscle-bound Guido types, one of whom demonstrates his manliness by punching a hapless mime on the beach. Eventually the entire group returns to Pine Barrens, but not before one of the gals, after ingesting some laxatives, is forced to take a dump in the ocean. As far as staying out of the water goes, great white sharks seem less scary by comparison.

It’s then that the film shifts gears from purported comedy to purported horror, as a hooded, hirsute killer begins picking off victims one by one using a variety of inventive methods, including death by tanning bed. Director-screenwriter Paul Tarnopol seems to take great glee in delivering gross-out gore, including a wildly graphic shower stabbing featuring severed breasts and spilled intestines that only serves to once again prove the brilliance of Alfred Hitchcock's never actually showing a knife touching flesh in the famous Psycho shower scene.  

By the time the witless film mercifully reaches its conclusion, most of the characters have been dispatched, with Ron Jeremy having the last word. At one point, several of the characters are seen watching a film-within-the-film, “Fat Camp Massacre,” the cleverness of which only highlights the dimness of everything surrounding it.

Production companies: JWoww Productions, Spy Global Media
Cast: Danielle Dallacco, Angelica Boccella, Giovanni Roselli, Chris Lazzaro, Ron Jeremy, Sal Governale, Richard Christy, Shawn C. Phillips
Director-screenwriter: Paul Tarnopol
Producer: Teri Tarnopol
Executive producers: Jenni “JWoww” Farley, Paul Tarnopol, Goldeneye
Director of photography: Jay Shropshire
Editor: Brian Bayerl
Production designer: Jonathan Schroder

Costume designers: Natasha Adonzio, Cheryl Marie Freeman
Composer: David James Rosen

Rated R, 88 minutes