Killer Women: TV Review

Killer Women ABC Premiere - H 2014

Killer Women ABC Premiere - H 2014

A Cylon speaks with a Southern accent and a bunch of dumb stuff happens with guns and law enforcement. That's about the extent of what seems to be the idea.

This ABC drama is killer bad. No, really, it's shoot-me-now bad.

It's hard to imagine how Killer Women got made -- unless of course you didn't notice ABC touting the hell out of it being from Sofia Vergara (though it was created by Hannah Shakespeare -- and this is the first and last time I will resist an easy joke).

So … wow. This is a really bad show. It's a show so bad that if it was smart enough to be a spoof, it would be genius. But it's not.

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I wanted Killer Women to be a spoof. I wanted it to be so meta that my head would hurt from the brilliance and my sides would hurt from laughing.

Unfortunately, I only got to experience the latter.

Nothing in Killer Women could ever happen in real life without people saying things out loud like, "What did you just say?" or "You're kidding, right?" or "Shut up, you're killing my soul with your stupidity."

It's also one of those shows where, less than five minutes into it, you wonder what the actors were thinking when they signed on and then, immediately after that (perhaps a millisecond), you wonder if they've since fired their managers.

How else to explain Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica) taking a role that requires her to employ a Southern accent that appears only sporadically -- but when it does, it produces side-splitting laughter? Sure, she's a Texas Ranger, but it's not like anybody else in the show is particularly concerned with having an appropriate accent.

(If you're wondering if I had visions of Cylons appearing in the vast Texas wasteland and destroying everything in this show, particularly the script, why yes I did.)

Killer Women wants to be styled as a kind of cheap, broadcast network knockoff of Quentin Tarantino or something, but ends up redefining "hokey" in the process. There's a scene where guest star Nadine Velazquez, wearing the hell out of a super-short red dress and red high heels -- as she's wont to do -- walks into a wedding, down the aisle, with nobody noticing, and then shoots the bride in the head.

Did I mention the dress is super short? Nobody turns their head. Nobody casually looks over and thinks, "The bride and groom are just about to kiss, who the hell is this babe wearing the only red item of clothing in the whole church walking toward the altar?"

Not even a glance. Bang.

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And later when Helfer interviews the husband, he's got blood splattered all over his face. Wouldn't he wipe that off?

Helfer thinks something is up and later tells the Velazquez character, "My training and instinct tell me …" It's at this point where you should just flip the channel, knowing full well that the script could never recover from that. For the record, I yelled out, "That you are participating in a really hackneyed TV series?" But she didn't hear me.

The plot involves a Mexican drug cartel, as all shows at some point do, and there's a scene where Helfer is talking to another actor who should be firing his representatives right about now and she's demanding -- after sleeping with him, in the most ridiculously funny sex scene you've seen in some time -- that he do her a favor and use his DEA connections to go into Mexico and save a child and a grandmother (just go with me on this). He justifiably thinks this is insane, but then says, "If we do this, we do it alone," which made me jump off the couch and yell, "What? Why?"

After he agrees, he says to her -- and I really wish I was making this up just to make you laugh: "There's an excellent chance we're going to die in Mexico tonight."

If you haven't guessed by now, this is not The Bridge.

Now, listen -- my training and instinct (singular, it should be noted), told me that I should laugh really hard upon hearing that line and I did. In fact, I paused the computer (ABC doesn't send out screeners) and felt a shooting pain in my side as I wheezed with laughter. I wrote the line down so I could repeat it to friends as we're drinking margaritas. Once more, with feeling: "There's an excellent chance we're going to die in Mexico tonight."

Feel free to use that when you're drunk (in the passenger's seat!) and going through the Taco Bell drive-thru. Also, there's an excellent chance this show is going to die in the ratings tonight.

I think it's somehow morally wrong to list all the people who are in Killer Women. No good can come from that. Let's just say that it's spectacularly hokey and ABC Studios (surprise!) should be ashamed of itself. Not for making this show -- but for failing to make it a killer spoof.

Twitter: @BastardMachine