Miami Social -- TV Review

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Science fiction fans are in a funk lately. "Battlestar Galactica" has gone dark star, and Sci Fi Channel is now known as "SyFy." But -- as we can reveal here for the first time -- the universe has a master plan. "Housewives" who have to be labeled "real" was just the warm-up; Bravo has now stepped fully into the Twilight Zone with its new reality series that focuses on the lives of alien beings, filmed in their natural habitat!

Sure, it's called "Miami Social," but don't be fooled -- these are not people from our planet. The seven leads -- "the most fabulous circle in Miami" -- are Michael, Ariel, George, Sorah, Hardy, Maria and Katrina.

Friends even before the cameras showed up, they are all things to all viewers: gay, straight, bisexual; married, dating, divorced; friends, bitchy, air-kissing. Their "jobs" deal with parties, photography, selling rich peoples' homes and celebrity gossip (the Kim Kardashian "reality whore" debate is awe-inspiring). They hint at a distant "bad economy" but clearly have no experience with it -- living on another planet as they do -- and spend hours sipping champagne on the beach and taking the day for mani-pedis.

Real humans would drown in water this shallow.

Nevertheless, be warned: Despite your best efforts to look away, you won't be able to. Everything about "Social" is so superficially dumb you'll hate yourself for caring about whether George's relationship with his quick-tempered girlfriend will last, or how Maria will cope after her daughter goes to boarding school. But you will care. Some part of your prefrontal cortex will be unable to turn away from the tanned skin, the Botoxed faces, the "Melrose Place"-inspired lives (apparently those old transmissions are getting through to other life forms). And before you know it, you will be ... one of us ... one of us, unable to turn away.

It's too late for me. I've taken the bullet, folks. I'm hooked. But you, run while you have a chance.

Airdate: 10-11 p.m. Tuesday, July 14 (Bravo)
Production: Pink Sneakers Prods
Cast: Ariel Stein, George French, Hardy Hill, Katrina Campins, Maria Cohen, Michael Cohen, Sorah Daiha
Executive producers: Kimberly Belcher Cowin, John Ehrhard
Supervising producers: Susan Janis-Mashayekhi, Calvin Simmons, Andrew Lipson
Producer: Kristy Wampole, Jamie Iracleanos, Julie Murphy
Director: Calvin Simmons, John Ehrhard
Director of photography: Richie Banales, Lucas O'Brien