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“A few weeks ago, I told you that the Trump administration is planning to crack down on the use of the term ‘milk’ for nondairy products,” said Colbert. “It is the first time the Trump administration’s cracked down on anything white.”
“And when I told you about this, I made a promise,” he said before sharing a clip in which he challenges anyone to seamlessly incorporate the phrase “an almond doesn’t lactate” into their wedding vows. The phrase comes from FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb’s explanation of the difference between dairy and nondairy products. Colbert said that the first person to do it and to send video evidence will win a T-shirt.
“It’s basically the same reward you get from America’s Funniest Home Videos, but I don’t make you hit yourself in the balls with a rake,” said Colbert. “I don’t discourage it. I just don’t demand it.”
Colbert continued, “Well, somebody really wanted a T-shirt evidentially, because a few days after that offer, viewer Paul Glassman added this to his sacred vows of matrimony.”
The host shared a clip from the ceremony in which the groom said, “I vow to not blast the air conditioning in the truck during the wintertime. I vow to never make fun of you for being lactose intolerant. Always remember — always remember that an almond can’t lactate.”
“I’m touched. Yes Paul, you did it!” said Colbert. “I’m excited for you. I’m proud of you. And I’m surprised your wife said ‘I do.’ This was your wedding and you dropped a reference to my show in there because I promised you a T-shirt. What do I have to do to get you to name your firstborn after me — throw in a free keychain?”
The host pointed out that his favorite part of the clip was the groomsmen’s reactions to The Late Show reference. Colbert shared the clip again to show them thrusting their fists in celebration.
“OK, that settles it. Paul, you’re not getting one ‘An Almond Doesn’t Lactate’ T-shirt; you’re getting eight T-shirts. One for you, one for each of your six groomsmen and one for your wife,” he said, “who not only has to put up with you, now she has to put up with me. I hope you both wear them ’til death do you part or until almonds develop nipples.”
Watch the clip above.
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