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During his Wednesday visit on Late Night, Andy Samberg shared some of the jokes that didn’t make it into his Golden Globes monologue.
“There’s so little time, and you’ve gotta choose wisely,” he said about the many rejected jokes. “There are a lot of jokes that we really loved but that we didn’t get to cover.”
Before he read the first joke, the actor asked that the audience pretend he was onstage during the awards ceremony.
“Around 1,300 people attended the Golden Globes this year,” he began before he lowered his voice to deliver the punch line, “and only one will leave.”
“Crazy Rich Asians is up for two awards and crazy rich white people are up for the remaining 200,” he continued.
Another joke dissected the three types of people who attended the ceremony, which, according to Samberg, were “libtards, snowflakes and cucks.” After reading the joke, he revealed that the writers wanted co-host Sandra Oh to read that one.
The next joke was targeted at the Netflix film Roma. “Roma was nominated for best director and best foreign film. Guys, do yourself a favor. Go out and watch this one on the biggest phone you can find.”
He continued, “Roma is such an emotional experience. When it was over, I literally sat there and cried for a full five seconds before Netflix started blasting a new movie where Kurt Russell plays Santa Claus.”
Other jokes included Green Book being about Dr. Seuss’ struggle to write the title for Green Eggs and Ham, BlacKkKlansman being the perfect Wi-Fi password and The Good Place asking important questions like, “Can Ted Danson still get it?”
While many of Samberg’s jokes were positively received by the audience, one joke bombed. “Spike Lee’s third time being nominated for a Globe and I gotta say, it’s so disappointing to see so few Knicks here supporting him,” he told the silent audience.
Host Seth Meyers then pointed out that the joke “tanked” even though it was told to a New York-based audience. “I’m so glad we didn’t do it,” responded Samberg.
“The Americans is nominated tonight for best drama, lead actor, lead actress and most people getting boned in front of portraits of Ronald Reagan,” he later joked.
Samberg also mentioned the brisket that is often enjoyed by the characters on The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. “Unfortunately, not nominated this year is Mrs. Maisel‘s other lead actor: brisket,” he said. “I can’t front. It makes me want brisket. It looks good.”
“Netflix beat out Amazon tonight as the most nominated streaming service, while the best streaming scene was Bradley Cooper wetting himself in A Star Is Born,” he joked.
The next joke was a play on words based off the title of a nominated film. “If Beale Street could talk, I think it would say, ‘Ouch! Stop driving on me.’ Seriously, we agreed to host this super last-minute, you guys,” he said. “That was the full joke.”
Samberg recruited Meyers to help with the next one. “The all-female franchise reboot trend continued this year with the movie Ocean’s 8 and there are many more on the way,” said Meyers.
“Hey, you know what they should do? A female reboot of Magic Mike, but with all ladies,” said Samberg with a gruff voice. “You know, now that I would watch.”
“Jesus Christ,” responded Meyers.
“Hey! The line starts right here, Seth,” Samberg said before returning to his normal voice. “Thank you. This has been my audition for Green Book.”
The final joke began with Samberg acknowledging the many “amazing performances by fine young actors” during the past year, including Lucas Hedges’ roles in Ben Is Back and Boy Erased and Timothee Chalamet’s performance in Beautiful Boy. “If you didn’t have time to see them all, fear not ’cause we conveniently smushed them together and made Boy Beautiful Ben Is Erased Back Boy,” he concluded.
Watch the full segment below.
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