Cries of “I’m so single” drifted across the country during last night’s Bachelorette finale as wine nights brought passionate debates over Kaitlyn Bristowe’s “Sophie’s Choice” between Shawn Booth, the Nashville personal-trainer bro with an affinity for nudity, and Nick Viall, the confused hipster/nerd with an affinity for being on television.
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After spending months watching one lucky woman fall in love, it’s only natural to covet the love life of a Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant. Though the majority of us never will be given the chance to put our lives on hold to compete for the opportunity of a quickie engagement (filmed in the midst of our lowest moments, no less), there are still love lessons to be learned from the 30-season-strong megafranchise.
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1. Always have a sob story handy.
Don’t be afraid to show your sensitive side. If you aren’t crying, do you really care?
If there’s anything we’ve learned from The Bachelorette, it’s that everyone has a deep, dark secret that makes them who they are. Get that secret out of your partner — and fast. If your partner doesn’t share each childhood trauma on the first date, they’re likely emotionally unstable, and you should cut them loose. Do you have a string of stable past relationships and a healthy family life? Think harder; you need a hook. If all else fails, say you’re “unlovable” (here’s looking at you, future Bachelor Ben Higgins). A backstory without drama leads to a lifetime without trust.
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2. Competition is key.
You don’t truly love someone unless you’re willing to sumo wrestle for them.
A little healthy competition is the only way to prove your devotion. How are you possibly able to know if you truly love someone unless you beat out 24 others for her affection? The more people you have fighting for you, the more passionate your love will be. Violence is an added bonus. Take this season’s sumo wrestling and boxing matches. If you want to take your relationship to the next level, go ahead and throw it back to the Middle Ages. Men, if you’re not willing to duel for the trophy that is a woman’s heart, pack your bags.
3. Don’t be shy.
Naked golf outings strongly encouraged.
Each date should entail an intimate setting consisting of you, your love … and a plethora of cameramen ready to capture every moment and ensure authenticity, soon to be shared with millions to test your relationship’s strength. Granted, most of us will not have enough cameramen to truly capture the Bachelorette experience, so take another one of the franchise’s tips and bring in family and friends. Be sure to talk about your sex life with your mother. As a bonus, spend as much time as possible with as little clothes on as possible. It doesn’t matter where you are. This season, the normal swimsuit outings in the tropics were traded for a trip to frigid glamorous Ireland. But that didn’t stop Shawn from baring it all whilst golfing to let his true physique feelings shine through. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.
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4. Dates should be extravagant.
Until you run out of money. Then Utah will do.
Travel the world to exotic locations like Dublin — and a back alley in New York. Romantic excursions can range from helicopter rides to a rap battle led by Doug E. Fresh with six of your favorite boyfriends. Once you’ve run out of money, you can be certain that no one will notice if you just pack up and move your relationship to a dingy hotel in Utah.
5. Jealousy is attractive.
What could be manlier?
Who wouldn’t want to marry Shawn, the man who bravely proved his devotion to Kaitlyn with constant demands for reassurance and professions of love? He even gave his main rival contestant the moniker “the other guy” for the length of the season. If you happen to be in an open relationship with one woman — and 24 other men — the only way to show that you’re truly “the one” is constantly to threaten to leave if she doesn’t threaten a billion-dollar franchise in order to reassure you of her feelings.
