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[Warning: spoilers ahead for Sunday’s episode of Game of Thrones, “Second Sons”]
The Lannisters sure know how to throw a wedding.
Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) and Sansa’s (Sophie Turner) big day included threats of rape, promises of murder and talk of impregnating the poor 14-year-old bride. This all set the stage for Tyrion to risk his life by directing one amazing zinger at Joffrey (Jack Gleeson). But first, the background.
Joffrey was horrid during the wedding ceremony. He insisted on giving the bride away since she had no father to do so. (We seem to recall there’s an interesting story behind why Sansa’s father couldn’t make the wedding.)
Next, Joffrey removed a stool Tyrion was going to stand on while throwing a ceremonial cloak over his bride. The height difference elicited titters from the audience. And most horrifyingly, Joffrey threatened to rape Sansa after Tyrion went to sleep, remarking that it doesn’t really matter which Lannister impregnates her as long as the job gets done.
So it was with great pleasure that we watched a very drunk Tyrion challenge Joffrey’s insistence on a bedding ceremony. He stabbed the table with a knife and threatened the king with this line: “You’ll be f—ing your own bride with a wooden cock,” if the king continued to push him.
Tywin (Charles Dance) disarmed the situation, seeing that Joffrey — who we recently learned ordered Tyrion’s assassination during the Battle of Blackwater — could be moments away from arranging grievous bodily harm for his uncle.
Tyrion, not really looking like he cared much one way or the other, apologized.
“A bad joke your grace. Made out of envy of your own royal manhood,” Tyrion said. “Mine is so small, my poor wife won’t even know I’m there.”
Later in their bedchamber, there was an uncomfortable minute or so when it seemed Tyrion would actually heed his father’s orders and consummate his marriage to Sansa. But good guy that he is, Tyrion finally declared he would not share Sansa’s bed until she wanted him to.
“If my father wants someone to get f—ed, I know where he can start,” Tyrion said.
While no one can be quite as awesome as Tyrion was in this episode, Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) came close. The Mother of Dragons met with sellswords the Second Sons, hoping to woo them away from Yunkai and bring them into her camp. Mero (Mark Killeen) makes crude sexual comments about Daenerys, but the handsome Daario Naharis (Ed Skrein) was enamored with her, eventually killing his two superiors and pledging his men to the last Targaryen.
During their negotiations, Daenerys noted: ““A fortnight ago I had no army. A year ago I had no dragons.” Who knows where she’ll be a year from now? She now welcomes an additional 2,000 men to her army. If she takes Yunkai, who knows how much her power will grow. More and more, it seems King Robert was correct to be so worried about her in season one.
Things are looking up for Arya (Maisie Williams), who was captured by the Hound (Rory McCann) last episode. This week, she considering bashing a sleeping Sandor’s brains in with a large rock. But he awoke before.
“I’ll give you one try, girl. Kill me and you’re free. But if I live, I’ll break both your hands,” he said. Arya opted not to try her luck.
But things may turn out okay for her. The Hound revealed he was taking her to the Twins, where Robb and Lady Stark would be for Edmure‘s wedding to Walder Frey’s daughter.
Like Jaime, the Hound has proven to not be all bad. He’s a murderer yes — but a murderer who has shown kindness to the Stark girls. As the Hound told Arya, there are worse men than he who could have found her on the road. It’s not pure altruism that motivates Sandor, however — he’s expecting a handsome reward for Arya’s return.
You know the person for whom things aren’t looking up? Poor Gendry (Joe Dempsie). After being treated to fantastic food and drink — plus some foreplay with Melisandre (Carice van Houten), King Robert’s good-natured bastard was subjected to bloodletting by leeches. Stannis (Stephen Dillane) uses the three blood-gorged leeches to create a curse for Joffrey, Theon and Robb. We’ll see what effect that has.
And now for some odds and ends …
Don’t Call Cersei Sister
Cersei (Lena Headey) uttered this gem of a line to her future sister-in-law/daughter-in-law Margaery (Natalie Dormer):
“If you ever call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.”
This came after Cersei told Margaery a cautionary tale about a social-climbing house — once the second-wealthiest family in Westeros — who eventually rebelled against Lord Tywin. Tywin crushed the rebellion and killed every last member of the family. The point was clear: Cersei was not charmed by Margaery and knows she and her family are not content with being the No. 2 family in the Seven Kingdoms.
Stannis paid Davos (Liam Cunningham) a visit in the dungeon, and the two debated the morality of sacrificing Gendry. Davos convinced Stannis to spare the boy’s life, and was also freed from imprisonment under the condition that he would never attempt to harm the Red Woman again. Stannis also spoke of his newfound religion — noting that it was his destiny to rule the realm because otherwise it would be plunged into darkness.
Samwell (John Bradley) stepped up and destroyed the White Walker that had been feasting on Crastor’s sons for years. This might finally have made the good impression on Gilly (Hannah Murray) that he’s been trying for.
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