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Ricky Martin brought his sparkling smile and duende attitude to Glee‘s McKinley High on Tuesday as Will realized he may not be the best Spanish teacher in the universe and Sue found a new rival in Nene Leakes‘ Roz Washington.
[Warning: Spoilers ahead if you haven’t watched Tuesday’s “The Spanish Teacher” episode yet.]
While the episode didn’t further many of the show’s story lines much (Mercedes and Sam are seemingly still at an impasse), the hour did feature a ton of funny and sometimes ironic one-liners. From Emma’s hilarious pamphlets to Roz and Santana challenging Sue’s bid for motherhood, here are the best of them.
1. “How could I have become so out of touch?” — Will Schuester on what happened to his teaching skills. Oh, the irony.
2. “William, could you please remove that enormous sombrero so I can break it down for you?” — Principal Figgins telling it like it is. Even we can’t look at him in that get-up.
3. “And that’s how Germany won the second World War.” — McKinley’s recently retired history teacher. Zoikes!
4. “To be frank, you have a public relations problem.” — Figgins on why he can’t simply give Will the tenure gig.
5. “You’re a Spanish teacher, maybe you should try learning Spanish.” — Figgins, likely reading the minds of each and every one of Will’s students.
6. “I was hoping you could tell me what the word gordita means?” — One of David Martinez’s (Ricky Martin) night school students.
7. “I’m sorry, I’m trying to listen but you’ve got some beautiful teeth.” — Chili, another of Señor Martinez’s students.
8. “For the last six years I was a tooth model. It’s like a hand model … but with your teeth.” — Martinez on his previous career. “I was the top tooth model in the country.”
9. “One day I realized I was spending so much time flossing that I was missing my life. I want to make a difference that lasts longer than a grin.” — Martinez on why he gave up “modeling.”
10. “I actually learned English watching Solid Gold.” — Martinez
11. “Twice a day, you boys stain your mother’s drapes or befoul a gym sock that has to jump from the hamper straight into therapy, why not head on down to the clinic and put your virile teen years to good use? You’ll have five bucks more than when you walked in.” — Sue Sylvester pitching Finn, Puck, Artie, Rory and Kurt for sperm donations.
12. “Looked like the cast from Ice Road Truckers.” — Sue on the selection of donors at the sperm bank.
13. “I had my eggs frozen in the late ’70s. … I did it myself.” — Sue on being ahead of technology.
14. “Seeing as how I find bald infants terrifying, I’m going to need a few ounces of your baby gravy to ensure Sue Sylvester Jr. is born with a full head of hair.” — Sue soliciting donations from Will.
15. “In jail. Or dead. Or both.” — Puck guesstimating on where he’ll be in 2030. Don’t ever change, Puckerman.
16. “Ohhh, I’m bilingual.” — A confused Brittany after Will introduces Latin Week, stipulating that the club can only perform songs English songs performed bilingually, among others.
17. “… Ever.” — Artie, echoing and completing Rachel (“Cutest …”) and Sugar’s (“… smile …”) sentiments upon seeing Martin’s Martinez for the first time.
18. “It means dwarf, you ass.” — Santana, breaking down the literal meaning of duende.
19. “Go run and find a swimming hole to dunk those behinds in because those donkey booties need to cool off!” — Nene Leakes’ Roz Washington after watching a scorching hot Brittney-led Cheerios routine.
20. “Hold up. Maternity leave? Are you pulling my leg? … With whose vagina?!” Roz to Sue. Then, later explaining her bronze Olympic medal: “I had noodles with the president and a threesome with Michael Phelps.”
21. “How’s a girl with no ass supposed to chose between a juiced up wolf and a depressed vampire?” — Mercedes relating to Twilight‘s Bella’s conundrum.
22. “Why are you being so weird and serious, our periods don’t come until the end of the month.” — Kurt to Rachel and Mercedes as they both ponder their romantic dilemmas.
23. “They’re Mexican Hipster Boots, it’s a fad for groups of guys who are into dance music.” — Finn on New Directions’ questionable fashion choice.
24. “Have a seat, Lady Bird Hollow Pelvis.” — Sue to Emma
25. “A baby?! With whose vagina?!” — Santana to Sue.
26. “Mr. Schue, what’s with the shiny coat? I thought you were Kurt.” — Finn to Will. If only…
27. “Why don’t you just dress up as the Taco Bell Chihuahua and bark the theme song to Dora the Explorer.” — Santana to Will about perpetuating racial stereotypes.
28. “Like Larry Bird white.” — Chile on Martinez’s teeth one last time.
29. “When I saw one written in crayon, I knew it was either you or Brittany and you’re the better speller.” — Sue to Becky, who filed a complaint against her to Figgins.
30. All of Emma’s pamphlets: “So You’re a Two-Timin’ Ho,” “So You’re Dating a Two-Timin’ Ho,” “Please Don’t Hog My Fiancé’s Nog,” “Performance Anxiety — It’s Not Just for Teenage Boys,” “How To Give Yourself Stitches,” “Taint Misbehavin’,” “So You Were a Jerk to Your Fiancé” and “Congratulations — I Love You.”
What did you think of Ricky Martin and Naya Rivera’s cover of “La Isla Bonita”? How does Martin rank compared with Glee‘s other guest stars? Do you want to see Señor Martinez return? Hit the comments!
Glee airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Fox.
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