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Jon Stewart did on Wednesday what the news media could not: mix some substance in with its obsession with Marco Rubio‘s thirsty gaffe.
The Daily Show host spent most of his first segment picking apart President Barack Obama‘s State of the Union address, criticizing the president for downplaying America’s crumbling infrastructure and not being forthcoming with information about his classified drone warfare program. Throughout, Stewart munched on an increasingly extravagant buffet, a gag that poked fun at Rubio’s chug heard round the world, a sip of water that came in the midst of his televised GOP response to Obama.
The sip of Poland Spring became a media obsession on Wednesday morning, dominating discussion of the previous night’s events. Rubio himself cracked about it on morning television, and has even begun selling bottles of water as part of a spur-of-the-moment fundraiser.
Stewart’s on-screen snack went from just a bit of water to crackers (“as thirsty as I am, I’m not sure why I’m eating saltines”), and then full-on sub sandwiches. In between, he used a shakeweight (“this is going to make a hell of a GIF,” he correctly predicted) and applied chapstick like “an aging French whore.”
Oh, he then tore apart Rubio’s actual speech, accusing him of presenting an Obama strawman that does not resemble the actual president.
As for Colbert, he was a bit more animated in his take on the water bottle affair. Within minutes, he was crawling across the floor, like a sapped shell of a man dissipating in the heat of the desert, on hands and knees as he sought out one last hope for life, grasping for an oasis. Successful in his desperate lurch, he let the sustenance wash over him, in hopes of blossoming again, like a second-chance palm amid the sand. (He poured the water all over himself).
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