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During Thursday’s two-hour extravaganza, Ian Ziering stars as Fin, the owner of a bar on the Santa Monica Pier turned hero when the hurricane winds up plucking hundreds of sharks from the ocean into the air to wreak havoc on the streets of L.A. — and his family, including ex-wife April (Tara Reid).
With a premise like Sharknado, it’s a safe bet that there would be an epic death toll, so just for laughs, The Hollywood Reporter counted the dearly departed.
1. The first victim: A crewmember who is devoured by a shark that miraculously leaps from the water onto a boat.
2. You can’t just eat one crewmember, can you? Not on Sharknado! Make that two crewmembers down, when another shark jumps up onto the boat for a bite.
3. The captain of the boat is, as you’d expect before the opening credits, eaten by sharks that are caught up in the storm.
4. Lady surfer, this is what you get when you throw Steve Sanders off a wave — death by shark.
5-6. The beach attack: Sharks make their way to the shallow waters, claiming at least two victims, with several others losing limbs. Steve Sanders, however, escapes, though he was hovering nearby in the water.
7-9. It’s terror on the highway: Whatever happens in gridlock during the Sharknado, do not get out of your car. The rising tide claims at least three, including poor drunk George.
10. Tara Reid’s boyfriend, Colin, is not long for this world as the skeptic becomes the 10th victim during the deadly Sharknado.
11. After a “dramatic” school bus rescue, the poor teacher from Wyoming who moved to L.A. to be an actor is killed by a flying letter from the Hollywood sign. His perfectly fitting famous last words: “My mom always told me that Hollywood would kill me.”
12. Matt’s (Chuck Hittinger) flight school pal is sucked out of the building and into the tornado, never to be seen again.
13. It’s really Sharknado time: During the thick of the storm, another of Matt’s flight school cronies is the next to go when he’s impaled by the front of a Hummer after a shark smacks into him.
14. Fin’s sidekick fails to survive the entire movie when a shark grabs ahold of his leg and they’re both pulled into the tornado. You knew someone from that core group wouldn’t make it out alive.
15. Ouch! The newscaster gets eaten by a shark while filing a live report from the scene as the second massive Sharknado heads from Hollywood to Van Nuys. Those poor reporters on the scene rarely have it good.
16. Never wear a red shirt in a sci-fi movie (ahem, Star Trek). The latest member of the Scooby gang has his arm and leg amputated by a shark before a second one falls and crushes him to death for the most brutal death of the movie.
17. Meanwhile, back in the helicopter, poor Nova (Cassie Scerbo) — who survived a shark attack in her younger years — is pulled from the cockpit by a shark. RIP.
But wait! The death toll is only 16 after Fin is — and we’re serious — sucked into the mouth of a shark with a chainsaw in hand and survives. He then goes back in to pull Nova (or should we call her Jenny-Lynn?!) OUT OF THE SAME SHARK and revive her. What a coincidence that she’d be in the belly of the one in a bazillion sharks that were flying around the storm!
And they all lived happily ever after. Well, everyone but the poor 16 whose lives were taken during the two-hour brain-melter.
As for the sharks, it’s a safe bet that there were way more casualties on that side. Paging PETA?
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