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After filming the first segment in a bathtub and the second at his fire pit, the CBS host performed his most recent monologue outside on his porch. Dubbing the episode “The Light Show With Stephen Colb-Air,” he explained that he was out near trees because he “read on Facebook that viruses are afraid of stairs. They’re like cows or Donald Trump.”
Colbert kicked off his monologue by sharing that West Virginia is the 50th state to report a coronavirus case. “So now we’re all in this together,” he said. “No red states or blue states. Just 50 anxious, pale states.”
States are taking precautions to prevent the spread of the virus. For example, Florida has limited beach parties to 10 people. “You know it’s serious when Florida starts enforcing rules. Remember, their state motto is ‘Can you huff this?'” Colbert joked.
Meanwhile, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio told residents to prepare to shelter in place, but Gov. Andrew Cuomo responded that such a measure would not be ordered because that would require state action. “This is no time for a pissing match,” Colbert told the mayor and the governor. “You should be saving your urine in jars, just like the rest of us. We’re supposed to do that, right? I read that on Facebook.”
Colbert next discussed the primaries in Arizona, Illinois and Florida. Joe Biden won all three states, though the host noted that the victory was “strangely not that big of a story.” He added, “It’s like the equivalent of two old men playing monopoly while their house burns down.”
He later said that fans of Cats had positive news when they heard a rumor about a “butthole cut” of the film. “I did not know what that meant, because watching the film itself was like getting your butthole cut,” said Colbert. He explained that, in a tweet shared by Seth Rogen, a Twitter user said their friend had the job of editing CGI buttholes out of the film, which Colbert joked starred “James Cornhole, Dame Judi Stench, Sir Ian McSmellin’ and, of course, Anus Elba.”
Circling back to the coronavirus, Colbert explained that Jared Leto just learned about the pandemic after taking a 12-day isolation meditation trip. “It must suck to return from isolation only to have to find out you have to go back to into isolation,” he said. “Especially because Leto’s last entry in his vision journal said, ‘Day 12 of isolation. Can’t wait to get back and spend time with groups of 10 or more people while we kiss on the mouth. But first stop is the store: I’m all out of toilet paper.”‘
Colbert also introduced a new segment called “Quaratine-while,” a home version of The Late Show‘s “Meanwhile” segment, in which he recapped some other interesting news stories.
The Oregon police department asked residents to stop calling 9-1-1 when they run out of toilet paper, and suggested that people use receipts, newspapers or cloth rags when they run out of toilet paper. “Yes, newspaper. And they say print is dead,” said Colbert. “Although I get most of my news online, so I have some terrible news for my iPad.”
The host concluded the segment by saying he didn’t originally plan to broadcast monologues on FaceTime, and that his viewers’ plans had likely also changed. “If there’s one good thing that might come out of this crisis, I think it’s that in this seemingly divided nation, people are doing their best to protect the country’s collective well-being,” said Colbert.
“Everywhere you look, people are looking after each other. Getting food or cleaning supplies for their neighbors, regardless of what that neighbor’s politics are,” he continued. “We can still disagree about many things, but this crisis has driven home, literally home, the truth that this is one great nation united by our belief in and need for each other and reinforces my belief that the American people, like most people, are essentially good and always want to know how to do the right thing.”
Watch the full monologue below.
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