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[Warning: Spoilers ahead of you haven’t seen Wednesday’s episode.]
You know it’s going to be a sweet episode of Survivor when the show opens with a cute couple canoodling in a dark, rainy shelter. I don’t care what anyone says, cuddling is a survival necessity. The best way to attempt a few hours of much-needed shuteye in such an uncomfortable environment is to smash up against each other to get warm and dry and to feel safe. Plain and simple. Roxy’s jealousy that she isn’t wanted in the gorgeous, cozy Malcolm/Angie twosome is apparent and comes out as seething frustration when she speaks to her tribe about it. From my experience on and off the island, jealous females can be an extremely destructive force, and they typically end up doing the most damage to themselves. Maybe if Roxy and the rest of her crew got a little closer physically, they would bond as a team and get it together to win a challenge for once. Just a thought.
It’s not just Roxy, but everybody seems to be breaking in this rain. What is that saying, “Idol hands are the devil’s playground”? One minute, BFFs RC and Abi-Maria are skipping through the jungle sharing idol clues, and the next they are at each other’s throats full of doubt and distrust. I can attest that, after enduring the first few days of nonstop rain and sleep deprivation, the darkness begins to seep into your soul. If not caught quickly, the paranoia can overtake even the strongest of alliances. I have hope that the girls will get it together and realize that they are one another’s best bets for making it anywhere in the game.
Across the board, this rain is putting a major damper on all our castaways’ bright spirits. All, save one quirky Jewish writer, better know as our dear Jonathan Penner. We haven’t seen Mr. Penner bonding with anyone in particular, which makes me think he’s on the outs and desperately needs to find that hidden immunity idol he seeks. How fortunate for him (and for the rest of the team) that his tribe has a cave to retreat to as the heavy rain continues to pour. Never underestimate the power of the cave. A cave can be the one refuge that saves a Survivor’s sanity when the rain-induced crazies creep into his malnourished, sleep starved, paranoid brain.
The ensuing sequence of events is pure comic gold. While Penner’s tribe snuggles up in the cave together, he’s running around like a lunatic, frantically searching for the idol that’s hidden “right under your nose,” according to the cryptic clue he managed to find in our last episode. We watch on the edge of our seats as he overturns rocks, baskets, palm fronds, digs a hole or 10 or 20 … all to no avail. We hold our breath as our leading man gets caught by one of his tribemates belly-down, digging underneath the shelter. We thank God as the old Penner quick wit comes through, just in time, with a random contact lens excuse. Phew, close call, buddy!
Finally, just as he’s near giving up, he pauses for a swim and — aha! — he gets it! We rejoice as he runs up to the shelter, rips the bull’s nose off the rice bucket and in a moment of glory, holds up his treasure for us to see. Even after this whole roller-coaster ride of emotion, the best part of all is watching Dana (who seems to be quite the workhorse around camp) walk up, arms loaded with firewood, as Penner flails his arms and wildly darts by her screaming, “I’m on FIRE!”
Um … no wonder you haven’t established any relationships on your tribe. You’re a total crazy person. Well, Penner’s got the idol now, so things should start heating up a little more very soon. Idols can give their owners a false sense of security and power, and I’m excited to see how having one in his possession will affect his already unhinged behavior.
Off to the challenge! Tarps for reward! Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Once again, Russell’s tribe of whiny girls don’t step up to the plate, each one complaining that she can’t do some part of the race for some reason or another. This challenge is lost by Russell’s tribe before it even begins, which makes it somewhat anticlimactic to watch the rest of the show. We already know Roxy and Angie are dead weight and that one of the girls will be heading home tonight. Although I find her attitude childish and hypocritical, I have to give Roxy credit for putting up a fight to stay in the game. At least she tries to stick around by presenting an argument to Russell and Denise regarding the dangers of a Survivor couple. Angie, on the other hand, doesn’t speak one word after losing the challenge and seems completely oblivious to the fact that she’s in danger of getting her torch snuffed. With Denise as the swing vote and our knowing that she’s been involved in an alliance with Malcolm from early on, it’s safe to assume it’s off with Roxy’s head.
At tribal council, after a furious, seemingly never-ending rant by Roxy, Jeff gives Angie a chance to speak. And speak, she does. Does it make sense? No way. Is it the most amazing answer I’ve ever heard from a question given at tribal council? Absolutely.
“What would make things better for your tribe?” Jeff poses to Angie.
“COOKIES!!” she replies.
I’m in love.
And, with that, she is safe to play another day and poised to become the newest beauty queen sensation on YouTube.
Love you guys. See you next week!
Parvati Shallow, three-time Survivor veteran, winner of Survivor: Micronesia and the official reigning Miss Survivor, will share her insight into Survivor: Philippines every week on THR.com. When she’s not living on a deserted island, she can be found continent-hopping in search of the hottest spas and vacation destinations around the globe. She sometimes teaches yoga and meditation to an elite, in-the-know group of clients at ESP Wellness Center in Santa Monica. Follow her on Twitter at @parvatishallow. To catch her in Santa Monica, check out www.espwellnesscenter.com.
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